King Kong
Say what you will about the original 1933 KING KONG. You can call it outdated, primitive and clunky-looking by today’s standards. But the one thing you can’t call it is boring, and that’s what a good half of Peter Jackson’s needlessly three-hours-long remake is.
We all know the story: Filmmaker Carl Denham (a miscast Jack Black) hires a ship to take him and his film crew to the uncharted Skull Island (though how Carl came into possession of the map goes unexplained). They arrive only to find a prehistoric world (which no one ever questions) and Ann Darrow, their lead actress (Naomi Watts, all 82 lbs. of her), is kidnapped by Kong, the giant gorilla. Unlikely hero Jack Driscoll (a miscast Adrian Brody) leads the charge to rescue her, while Denham plots to bring Kong back to New York City so he can showcase the big ape for a mint. In mad monkey love with Ann, Kong goes nuts all over the Big Apple, taking his little lady up the Empire State Building so he can make himself an easy target and get shot down by planes. The end.
KONG is and has always been a simple story, rendering it timeless. But a simple story can only go so long in the time department before its limitations are reached, which is where Jackson’s version fails. The voyage to Skull Island is fairly lumbering, making it feel as if it were unfolding in real time. The arrival is exciting, as are the crew’s initial dealings with the unfriendly natives and the reveal of Kong himself, who shakes Ann around like the infant of a drunken stepfather. But once you’ve seen one encounter with an oversized creature or one Kong vs. dinosaur smackdown, you’ve seen them all. However, Ann literally runs from one type of dino to the next, to the point where it grows absurd. Similarly, the guys do battle with big bugs, vagina dentata worms and nasty-looking spiders, to equally numbing effect.
Though a marvel of visual effects, Kong is not as commanding a presence as you’d expect. He’s a spoiled bully and I felt zero empathy for him. Nor did I care for Watts’ character, whose shift from horrified out of her mind to Kong protector was so abrupt it was lost on me. Why, because they shared a sunset together? Thus, KING KONG is largely free of real emotion, because the emotions that are there ring false and manipulative – Kodak moments that may make for a nice montage on Oscar night, but prove a detriment to the overall film.
It’s obvious Jackson holds love for the original KONG, setting his version in the same time period, but perhaps his love is so strong, he viewed the project through rose-colored glasses. It’s self-indulgent, entangled in its own vines of confusion. If the material is straight, why are half the cast members drawn in broad caricatures, hamming it up? If audiences were supposed to cry at the end, why were some snickering? If Jackson’s movie would have been twice as good at half the length, why couldn’t he recognize that? Because he’s presumably safe with the idea of making three-hour epics, whether or not it’s good for the story. I don’t hate KONG with every fiber of my being like I did his LORD OF THE RINGS, but it’s not the end-all, be-all event picture of the decade, much less the year. It’s mediocre, like a pizza where only half the toppings are appetizing. Critics are tripping over themselves like mad right now to praise it, but mark my words: The raves of perfection are unwarranted, and in time, positions will be reversed.
December 16th, 2005 at 7:04 pm
Didn’t read your whole review but teased myself with enough to satisfy my curiousity… and it pretty much confirms what I feared. Do we need a three hour CGI-filled version of a story we already know by heart? I’ll go see it but I’ll do so with plenty of reservations…
December 17th, 2005 at 3:32 pm
Am I the only person in the world who saw the original King Kong, like, once when I was 6 years old and never got around to seeing it again? I’m really curious how much of the adult population really knows the original “by heart”? I remember the island and the Empire State Building but that’s about it. I mostly remember that I was disappointed that, in the Jessica Lange version, he didn’t stand with one foot on each of the twin towers like they drew him on the movie poster/ad on the back of every Marvel comic that summer.
December 18th, 2005 at 1:26 am
I agree with you Brian. Even as a child I was always bored by Kong (I was more of a Godzilla kid) and only remembered the ESB scene. I actually remember the open heart surgery scene from King Kong Lives more vividly than the original.
BTW–I loved the remake.
December 18th, 2005 at 12:36 pm
I think “by heart,” HG meant the very basic skeleton of a story: Men go to island, find monkey, bring him back, Empire State Building. Even people who’ve never seen any of the versions know much of that, so iconic is the original.
I vaguely remember seeing KONG ‘33 on TV when I was little, and then not seeing it again until I was in college, when I was able to really appreciate it. I’ll be watching it again this week with my 8-year-old. I was watching the long making-of doc on the new DVD and it had many clips on it, which still strike me as being super-cool. He kind of snickered at it and said, “that’s not cool,” but then said he wanted to watch the original movie with me, so we’ll see.
December 30th, 2005 at 1:12 pm
[...] And here are the eight I liked the least: • BEWITCHED – There are some movies so bad, even Steve Carell can’t save them. • KING KONG – I know I’m in the minority here, but I’m sticking to my guns. And the more time passes, the more I think that even if Peter Jackson had trimmed his movie by a full hour, it would still lack a soul. • THE DUKES OF HAZZARD – Completely laughless for the 20 minutes I could stomach. But I still feel like I saw the whole thing. • THE ISLAND – I love Scarlett Johansson. But geez Louise, not this much. • THE RING TWO – The first one: “Boo!” This one: “Boo-hoo!” • STEALTH – Inexplicably, Rob Cohen out-Michael-Bays Michael Bay. • THE AMITYVILLE HORROR – This tired remake makes the formerly just-okay original look like a mansion. • THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY – For me, “British humor” is the new “jumbo shrimp.” [...]
January 17th, 2006 at 9:13 am
funny, i knew nothing of the original except that kong ended up on the empire state; jackson’s movie does drag out the travel to the island, and it’s horribly flawed, but hey what a crazy fun film - who doesn’t wanna see naomi w make out with a giant gorilla that was damn sexy, i want to see the porn version now ha ha
seriously this one made me want to see the other two versions, and find out why he bothered; give me ‘bad taste’ or ‘meet the feebles’ over kong 3
June 5th, 2006 at 10:41 am
[...] • Finally, that cute little Jessica Alba hosts the 2006 MTV MOVIE AWARDS, premiering this Thursday and then repeated for the rest of the summer. The musical guests are almost always irritating, but I enjoy the movie parodies they do, unless the host is Jimmy Fallon. Anyway, up for Best Movie are THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN, KING KONG, BATMAN BEGINS, WEDDING CRASHERS and FRANK MILLER’S SIN CITY. With the exception of that big, boring ape, all those movies were on my list of the five ‘05 movies I loved the most. I don’t know whether to feel proud or ashamed. [...]
September 15th, 2006 at 7:50 am
[...] HERE BE DRAGONS Naomi Novik’s dragon air force “Temeraire” trilogy – which kicked off with HIS MAJESTY’S DRAGON – has been optioned by filmmaker Peter Jackson as a potential post-KING KONG directing project. As long as it’s not another three-hour-plus epic, we’re for it. [...]
October 14th, 2006 at 12:33 pm
Now I love Scarlett Johanssen, and I think she is pretty hot, but being named sexiest woman alive by Esquire is going a little overboard. She’s a more normal average looking girl, and that is what I love about her.
October 16th, 2006 at 11:06 pm
King Kong was awesome, especially the 15 minute crazy battle with Kong and the dinosaurs. And Jack Black really did a good job as a semi normal character.
October 25th, 2006 at 5:15 pm
Is it just me, or did Jessica steal the show in Into The Blue? I had to watch it again just to see her swimming.
November 26th, 2006 at 12:27 am
Wedding Crashers was one of my favorite flicks last year. Wilson and Vaughn were hilarious!
December 12th, 2006 at 1:21 pm
I am tiring of the hype of Sin City. Both the movie and the city are pits of despair.