Oscars Wrap-Up
• During the pre-show, I saw something I have never noticed before: that Keira Knightley has a snaggletooth. “Why do you think she gets cast in all those period pieces?” my wife said. Good point.
• Great TiVo Moment #1: Naomi Watts picking her butt during the pre-show.
• I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again ’til he shaves: Paul Giamatti’s facial hair is pubic.
• When WALLACE & GROMIT won Best Animated Feature and the two co-winners walked onstage with their silly, oversized bowties, my wife asked if they were gay. “They are now,” I said.
• Looks like Joaquin Phoenix has been walking the buffet line.
• Anyone notice Will Ferrell’s name being misspelled as “Farrell” on the stage marquee? Whoever was in charge of graphics better be glad it wasn’t Russell Crowe.
• Speaking of Russell Crowe, host Jon Stewart totally stole my joke.
• Speaking of Jon Stewart, I thought he did a fine job. Then again, I thought David Letterman did a fine job. And still do.
• Proof that the Academy Awards are a well-oiled machine: On Rachel Weisz’s way up to receive Best Supporting Actress, the announcer mentioned she had starred in THE MUMMY RETURNS. Lo and behold, the next person to appear onstage was Lauren Bacall.
• Holy crap, did you see the size of that bow on Charlize Theron’s shoulder? You could fit all the tickets sold for AEON FLUX inside it. But still, it was really big!
• Jennifer Lopez: apparently prepping for a role as a honey-dipped donut.
• Was it really necessary for the MARCH OF THE PENGUINS guys to bring stuffed animals with them onstage? I mean, if Felicity Huffman had won Best Actress, you wouldn’t see her haul a pre-op tranny up there with her, would you?
• The KING KONG techie guys doing that Kong yell at the end of their acceptance speech cements a long-suspected theory of mine: Everything associated with Peter Jackson is major geeky.
• Great TiVo Moment #2: During the performance of the song from CRASH, the interpretive dancers were acting out scenes from the movie, including the racist cop groping the black woman’s crotch. It’s a good thing BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN wasn’t nominated in this category, or primetime may have been treated to some slow-motion palm spitting.
• For my money, honorary Oscar winner Robert Altman deserves a statue alone just for getting Julianne Moore to play an entire scene sans pants. But, hey, no O.C. & STIGGS clips?
• I correctly guessed 17 out of the 24 categories. This year, my strategy was to go for some upsets. Some of them didn’t pan out (Amy Adams, MURDERBALL), but some of them totally did, like George Clooney and “Hard out Here for a Pimp” winning Best Song. I don’t even like rap and I have to agree it was the best of the three nominees. And Jon Stewart’s retort of “Martin Scorsese, 0; Three-Six Mafia, 1″ was the night’s best line.
• Philip Seymour Hoffman is one of our greatest living actors. And one of the worst speech givers.
• Huh, Reese Witherspoon is just a lil’ ol’ girl from Tennessee? Who knew? It’s not like she hasn’t reminded us of that during, oh, every single award show this season.
• Speaking of Reese, her husband Ryan Phillippe was sporting a nice zit in the center of the forehead. I believe that lone pimple signifies the number of years he has left to move out of the house.
• Great TiVo Moment #3: I’m pretty sure BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN scribe Diana Ossana was sipping a juice box at her seat.
• Great TiVo Moment #4: Paul Haggis’ wife excitedly putting her boobs back in her dress when CRASH shocked everyone by winning Best Picture. For that alone, we should be thankful.
• I had way too many glasses of wine.
March 6th, 2006 at 10:48 am
• Dolly Parton’s legs are so skinny when she performed (unfortunately, with no interperative transgendered dancers), she looked like Kermit the Frog
• I wasn’t sure if that was Diana Ossana or Amy Poehler doing a killer Diana Ossana
• The funniest moment of the night? The Hustle & Flow castmember belting out the last line of, “You know…it’s haaaaaaard…out therrrrrrrrrrre…for…a…PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMP!!!
• Blue is the best color to frame Salma Hayek’s ample bosom
• Best montage? Tribute to the Heterosexual Cowboy
• Worst montage? All the rest
• I always expect Whoopi Goldberg to give me the freshest comedy possible, and with her “Oh, Hell no!” in the opening sequence, she did not disappoint
• Any heterosexual man-crush feelings I once had for Russell Crowe, I know have doubly for George Clooney
• I still find it hard to look at Phillip Seymour Hoffman and not picture him sticking postcards to his apartment wall with his own semen
March 6th, 2006 at 11:12 am
But did you notice how Salma’s ample bosom looked only about half-ample the way that dress cut in to her left side?
March 6th, 2006 at 2:59 pm
It wasn’t a juice box she was sipping from, just a cocktail glass she must have gotten from the lobby’s bar. I can say this with authority because I was watching the show on a big screen tv and it was such an odd sight that I commented on it when it happened.
Beyond that:
Reese Witherspoon is the embodiment of pure evil. I have diagrams that prove it.
Meryl Streep has been nominated for 13 Oscars?!?!?!?!? I didn’t know the world had that many different accents for an actor to master.
I want to go out drinking with Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Ms. Hayek’s boobs did look weird in that dress, but I’m still a big believer in the Salma Rule, which states that I will enthusiastically endorse any dress she wears, as long as she is wearing it.
As a Canadian I loved the fact that Crash won for best picture (since Paul Haggis is a Canuck and it was distributed by Lionsgate, a Canadian company), but as a fan of filmmaking–not so much.
I think this telecast set the record for most shots of a weeping spouse/girlfriend.
I swear Reese would have killed a truckload of puppies if the statuette had gone to Felicity Huffman instead. She’s EVIL, I tell ya.
Stewart’s dig at the Baldwin brothers was easily the funniest joke that bombed during the show.
Lettermen did do a good job the year he hosted and–Damn It!–I thought the Uma/Oprah thing was funny.
I REALLY hope that was Jack Nicholson’s daughter.
March 6th, 2006 at 3:01 pm
Did I miss a Baldwin brothers joke?
I thought the girl sitting next to Jack was Kiera Knightley. No? Just another anorexic lookalike?
March 6th, 2006 at 5:01 pm
The BB joke came when Stewart introduced Luke and Owen Wilson and said something to the effect of “Our next two presenters are two very talented brothers, just like the Baldwins”. My phrasing isn’t exact, but Stewart’s inflection clearly indicated that he was implying that only two of the four Baldwins (take your pick as to which ones) could be described as talented. It was very subtle, but it made me and the people I was watching the show with laugh out loud, while it was met with the sounds of crickets in the Kodak Theater.
And–if I recall correctly–KK was actually sitting in the front row right section, while JN was in his usual front row center spot. Sitting beside him was a girl of about 16, who wasn’t clearly seen during the show, but who was on camera several times during the red carpet countdown. We all agreed she had to be his daughter since a) she did look a lot like Rebecca Broussard–the mother of his two youngest children–and b) there are some things even Jack couldn’t get away with.
March 6th, 2006 at 5:48 pm
The Baldwin Brosthers joke was funny. It was either too subtle for the room or they didn’t want to laugh at a joke mocking their fellow actors. And the talented ones are Alec and Daniel (watch the show HOMICIDE if you don’t believe me)
And Letterman did do a good job when he was host. My theory is that Letterman just didn’t enjoy doing it and didn’t want to do it again so he keeps joking about what a lousy job he did so people will in fact think he did do a lousy job.
Also, why weren’t Don Knotts and Darren McGavin in the dead people montage? I know it’s only been a week, but would it really be that difficult to slap a clip from CHRISTMAS STORY and THE INCREDIBLE MR. LIMPETT in there?
And George Clooney is just too handsome to be talented. I’m all man, but just look at the guy and tell me he isn’t one handsome son of a bitch.
March 7th, 2006 at 5:54 am
>> Also, why weren’t Don Knotts and Darren McGavin in the dead people montage?
The Academy has a Feb 1st cut-off date for the montage, so anyone who dies after that has to wait until next year.
March 7th, 2006 at 7:48 am
The dead people montage felt a lot shorter than usual. They left off a lot of people, like Wendie Jo Sperber and “You’re my boy, Blue!”
And maybe it was the wine or maybe it was the comparative effect of standing next to Mr. McMurtry, but I was finding Diana Ossana extremely attractive.
March 7th, 2006 at 1:00 pm
No, it wasn’t the wine. She’s hot.
October 23rd, 2006 at 2:59 pm
Is it just me, or is Keira Knightley like the hottest chick on the big screen?
October 24th, 2006 at 6:10 pm
Russell Crowe says he is getting too old to be an action hero? I didn’t see that one coming. He’s an awesome action hero in his movies. Hope this doesn’t mean he is going to stop being in those type of films.
October 26th, 2006 at 5:28 pm
J Lo put the B back in Booty. Now all of the followers want big butts.
October 27th, 2006 at 6:52 pm
Streep was awesome in the Devil Wears Prada. I actually saw it twice and I don’t usually like chick flicks.
October 27th, 2006 at 7:14 pm
Is Rachel dating Hugh Jackman? I heard they got romantic on a set.
October 27th, 2006 at 9:57 pm
I just love Julianne! I am just a sucker for redheads I guess.