• Best Breastage Presentation (tie): Scarlett Johansson and Virginia Madsen. SIDEWAYS, any ways … heck, beggars can’t be choosers! (Aside: Despite my love for Scarlett, her attempt at hosting SNL this past weekend was nothing short of abysmal.)
• Worst Breastage Presentation (tie): Drew Barrymore and Mariah Carey. When my parents taught me about sex, they had help from a book called WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME? One of its pages had an illustration of horny, acne-scarred kids gawking at oddly shaped breasts, including a pair that resembled cucumbers. Thanks for reminding me of that, Drew.
• Harrison Ford was clearly drunk. That’s about the only way you can enjoy any of his recent movies.
• But Mary-Louis Parker had to be high.
• Did Dennis Quaid really think referring to BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN as a “dick flick” was a good idea?
• Paul Giamatti will never win an award as long as his beard remains looking pubic.
• I haven’t seen CAPOTE yet, but Philip Seymour Hoffman deserved his win because he’s always good in everything. And also because he could beat me in a pancake-eating contest.
• The best reaction shot of the entire night was seeing Joaquin Phoenix trying to brush his mom away after she kissed his cheek. At least I hope that was his mom. I was hoping for a breakdown on the level of frogs emerging from his head, but this was good enough.
• Since he shoved his wife out of her chair and interrupted Joaquin’s acceptance, the only way Ryan Phillippe could have called more attention to himself was to drop his pants. And even then, people still wouldn’t care about him. Reese Witherspoon picks better movies than she does husbands, and I’m including LEGALLY BLONDE 2 in there.
• Gwyneth Paltrow is so damned in love with herself it wrings my duodenum. Did you hear her pronounce Anthony Hopkins as “Antony”? How utterly precious. Let’s hope the Apple falls far from this tree. (Teri Hatcher also loves herself, but she can’t pull off the prep school accent.)
• Giving Steve Carell the award for THE OFFICE was the smartest thing the Hollywood Foreign Press Association did this year. His acceptance speech proved it.
• When Sandra Oh came onstage to get her Globe and started off by saying, “I I I I I I I I I I,” I thought she was speaking Chinese.
• To the cast of WILL & GRACE: You will not be missed.
• Jill Hennessey is a man. And Natalie Portman is getting there.
• Marcia Cross is a robot. Seriously, there’s no other explanation for her. That girl is a robot.
• However, there is no explanation for the elongated monkey that calls himself Adrien Brody.
• By TiVoing this and skipping over the commercials and long walks to the stage, we watched the three-hour broadcast in half the time. Still, I should’ve watched 24 instead.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 17th, 2006 at 7:55 am and is filed under Movie News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.