After months of rumors and subsequent denials, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are calling its quits as a married couple. Can’t say I’m surprised. Jessica got what she needed out of it: loads of publicity and chart hits. Nick also got what he needed: another notch on his belt and name recognition outside of being associated with a boy band. I guess we can’t count on ABC rerunning the NICK & JESSICA CHRISTMAS SPECIAL this year, huh? Look for Jessica’s star to continue rising as she increasingly whores herself out. Likewise, look for Nick at a UPN sitcom or strip club near you.

Can you say I told you so? Witness this now outdated but incredibly omniscient Hitch Daily entry from Sept. 11, 2003:

There’s a reason Jessica’s last name is Simpson. Before the debut of her new MTV reality show, NEWLYWEDS: JESSICA AND NICK, I knew pop starlet Jessica Simpson only as a cute blonde with big boobs and presumably little talent. But now after digesting a couple of episodes, I know her as a cute, whiny, spoiled, jealous, lazy, useless, dumb blonde with big boobs, no talent and a gas problem. Why did 98 Degrees’ Nick Lachey marry her? The two don’t get along very well and aren’t convincingly affectionate; a shared love for money and her oft-referenced breasts is all I can muster. The girl can’t do anything for herself, as evidenced by the dirty clothes she’s thrown all over their otherwise beautiful home, and all she does is bitch, complain, burp and fart. One episode began with her letting one rip that cleared the room and required the opening of doors. “You love my stinky ass!” she cooed with no discernable hint of humor to Nick, who went to fetch her Pepto-Bismol. In the next 30 minutes, Jessica demonstrated how little she knows about … well, anything, wondering how “mouses” got into the pool and asking Nick, “Riga who?” when he talked about rigor mortis. “You learn something new every day,” she said when he explained. Indeed, Jess, and yesterday I learned how little fun Nick must have being your needled husband. At various points in the show, she implored to those around her, “Don’t make fun of me!” Oh, but it’s so much fun!

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