• Oscar-winning mega-producer Brian Grazer is getting divorced from his wife of eight years, Gigi. She wrote the movie STEPMOM and a book which I’m too lazy to look up, and now the crystal ball says she can expect no more movies or books in the cards from here on out. No real reasons for the split were given, but I’m betting she cited his “cocaine hair.”

• Scientology hostage newcomer and actress Katie Holmes “gave birth” to “her baby” yesterday. The father of the health girl “is” Tom Cruise. They named the fruit of “their” loins Suri. As in Suri Cruise. In other words, she can expect to be ridiculed as Syracuse all her life. As opposed to being ridiculed all her life for having a maniacal control freak as her “father.”

• Last seen in THE ARISTOCRATS, comedian Gilbert Gottfried has been named the “unsexiest man alive” by The Boston Phoenix. Whew! I escaped again!

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