Sonny Chiba fans rejoice! Well, sorta. The new three-disc SONNY CHIBA ACTION PACK brings you a digitally remastered triumvirate of the martial artist master’s films … albeit some of his worst ones: VIRUS, GOLGO 13 and THE BULLET TRAIN.

A co-production of Japan and America, 1980’s VIRUS is a disaster film in more ways than one. Moving like a snail, it tells the lumbering tale of MM88, a military-engineered biological weapon with no vaccine that accidentally gets loose in the air following a plane crash. At first, all it does is level a herd of sheep, but soon, tens of millions of people across the world are dead.

President Glenn Ford can’t seem to do anything about it, and it’s no wonder, given his Oval Office is populated with such has-beens as Robert Vaughn and Henry Silva, each sucking in their own unique way. By the time they discover the virus can’t do diddly-squat in the extremely cold temperatures, it’s too late for them, so the “action” switches to a military base in Antarctica, where George Kennedy, Chuck Connors and Bo Svenson all suck in their own unique way, too.

By this time, you may be asking yourself, “Hey, where’s the Chiba?” Exactly. Sonny has a very small role, but it’s just enough to save VIRUS from being totally deadly. I will give it credit for ending with a nuclear bomb free-for-all, but that’s about it. For the cinematically anal, however, this is the uncut international version, never before seen in the U.S., so get ready to read!

Adapted from a popular Japanese comic, 1977’s colon-heavy GOLGO 13: ASSIGNMENT: KOWLOON is a rather leaden, plodding crime tale, in which Chiba has the title role, the world’s greatest hitman hired to off an upper-class drug lord in Hong Kong. Just as he’s about to pull the trigger, some chick does the job for him. So later, he kills that chick while he has sex with another girl. Then for good measure, he shoots her, too. This all leads to more complications in a story too complicated for its own good (or your enjoyment).

Chiba makes his last hit while dangling from a mountain and his target is in a moving helicopter. It’s neat because it signals the end of this stinker.

Nearly 20 years before SPEED, Japan’s 1975 flick THE BULLET TRAIN had a mad bomber hide an explosive device on the country’s super-powered, high-speed choo-choo, and rigged it to detonate if the train’s speed fell below a certain point. I’d tell you exactly what that point is, but I’m no good at that freaking metric system. Plus, I was so bored, I don’t remember.

It’s too bad the movie doesn’t move as fast as its titular object or it would rock. But the film has a languid pace, is overloaded with characters and is surprisingly short on action – all the ingredients that made Hollywood’s disaster films like THE TOWERING INFERNO and EARTHQUAKE suck, too.

Chiba has a marginal role as the sweat-prone train conductor. If he were only allowed to kick somebody, they might have had something to start from. Instead, you get two hours of various high-ranking officials talking on the phone, unconvincing miniatures and an ending Michael Mann would later steal for HEAT.

Even though none of these three movies set my soul on fire like his STREET FIGHTER saga, the Chiba completist in me still thinks it’s a good deal because of the price and BCI’s clean-up job. Sometimes I’m a glutton for punishment, and this is staying on my shelf right next to his better, crazier movies. –Rod Lott

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