Normally, presskits I receive for new movies are just a boring little book of boring production notes with a CD of stills that’s not good for much of anything. Exception: the box just that just arrived for WALK HARD. I shudder to think of the cost-per-piece of this one. Photos of what’s in the “Cox Box” await you after the jump.
You read about it in the most recent issue of Hitch, and now Hitch contributor Chris Sharpe’s feature-film debut, SEX MACHINE, is hitting DVD on May 1, from Anthem (the same people who had the foresight to release FRANKENHOOKER). You can order it now. Do it not because we’re quoted on the back, nor because we wrote the jacket copy – do it because it’s actually an enjoyable, fun, well-made movie!
The Horror Channel is getting re-animated with a special online screening of Stuart Gordon’s RE-ANIMATOR (one of the 1980s’ very best horror films) and a chat with its producer Brian Yuzna, who also stepped into the director’s chair for the sequels, BRIDE OF RE-ANIMATOR and BEYOND RE-ANIMATOR (all of which occupy a spot in my heart). It all takes place at midnight on Friday, Aug. 11; go to www.horrorchannel.com for details. Hopefully we’ll get some scoop on whether the rumored HOUSE OF RE-ANIMATOR is a go!
Next week, Universal releases Hollywood’s first movie about the horrific events of 9/11: the hijacking drama UNITED 93. This one’s about the plane that didn’t crash into any landmark or kill anybody (except those on board).
There seems to be some controversy surrounding this one, and not just because it’s a 9/11 film. Nope, some are up in arms because there are three different views about what exactly happened on the plane that led to its descent and subsequent crash. Now I’m not up on my conspiracy theories, so I can’t recount them here, but apparently the three stories are quite different, and everyone wants their own ending to be represented.
Well, Rod is here to solve that problem. Seeing as how a theatrical 9/11 film is already a risky box-office proposition, why not let Universal protect their multimillion-dollar and appease all three groups of theorists by going the CLUE route? If you’ll recall, Paramount milked quite a bit of publicity in 1985 when it released its board-game whodunit comedy CLUE with three separate endings. You had to check the newspaper to see which theater was playing Ending A, Ending B or Ending C!
Wouldn’t it make sense to do the same for UNITED 93? Since no one truly knows what went down in that winged tan can, let’s be true to all sides! In one, the “Let’s roll” guy can be the hero. In another, the scum hijackers overtake everyone. And in another, Martin Mull – entranced by Colleen Camp’s magnificent bosom – can trip on the carpet and spill something on his pants.
From no less than three different sources on Friday, I read that LARRY THE CABLE GUY: HEALTH INSPECTOR was going to open at No. 1 at the box office this weekend.
Sadly (for Larry and the redneck movement only), it tanked, opening at No. 7 with a mere $7 million. There is a God!
What’s the reason for its fizzle and failure? Easy. Theaters don’t take food stamps.
You may think I’m joking when I say that there will be no better time to be had at the movies all year long than when Samuel L. Jackson finally gets around to fighting those SNAKES ON A PLANE, but you would be wrong, my friend, because I am totally serious.
The new issue of Entertainment Weekly includes an article on “The 25 Worst Sequels Ever Made,” with the ill-fated SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER sequel STAYING ALIVE – starring John Travolta, directed by Sly Stallone – topping the list at No. 1. The rest of the list is as follows:
2. CADDYSHACK II
3. LEPRECHAUN: BACK 2 THA’ HOOD
4. BLUES BROTHERS 2000
5. BATMAN & ROBIN
6. WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S II
7. THE FLY II
8. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN
9. SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL
10. JAWS: THE REVENGE
11. DIRTY DANCING: HAVANA NIGHTS
12. STAR WARS: EPISODE I – THE PHANTOM MENACE
13. THE STING II
14. CONAN THE DESTROYER
15. DUMB AND DUMBERER: WHEN HARRY MET LLOYD
16. OCEAN’S TWELVE
17. STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER
18. BATTLE FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES
19. REVENGE OF THE NERDS II: NERDS IN PARADISE
20. THE GODFATHER PART III
21. LEGALLY BLONDE 2: RED, WHITE & BLONDE
22. TEEN WOLF TOO
23. PORKY’S II: THE NEXT DAY
24. THE NEXT KARATE KID
25. THE MATRIX RELOADED
I’m surprised neither SON OF THE MASK nor KING KONG LIVES made the cut, not to mention POLICE ACADEMY parts 2 through 7. What else did they forget? And is there anything that they did include that doesn’t deserve it? I’m not ashamed to admit having six of the 25 films in my DVD collection, but I’m not telling you which ones. I leave that for you to guess. If anyone can correctly guess all six, they win a prize.
• During the pre-show, I saw something I have never noticed before: that Keira Knightley has a snaggletooth. “Why do you think she gets cast in all those period pieces?” my wife said. Good point.
• Great TiVo Moment #1: Naomi Watts picking her butt during the pre-show.
• I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again ’til he shaves: Paul Giamatti’s facial hair is pubic.
• When WALLACE & GROMIT won Best Animated Feature and the two co-winners walked onstage with their silly, oversized bowties, my wife asked if they were gay. “They are now,” I said.
• Looks like Joaquin Phoenix has been walking the buffet line.
• Anyone notice Will Ferrell’s name being misspelled as “Farrell” on the stage marquee? Whoever was in charge of graphics better be glad it wasn’t Russell Crowe.
• Speaking of Russell Crowe, host Jon Stewart totally stole my joke.
• Speaking of Jon Stewart, I thought he did a fine job. Then again, I thought David Letterman did a fine job. And still do.
• Proof that the Academy Awards are a well-oiled machine: On Rachel Weisz’s way up to receive Best Supporting Actress, the announcer mentioned she had starred in THE MUMMY RETURNS. Lo and behold, the next person to appear onstage was Lauren Bacall.
• Holy crap, did you see the size of that bow on Charlize Theron’s shoulder? You could fit all the tickets sold for AEON FLUX inside it. But still, it was really big!
• Jennifer Lopez: apparently prepping for a role as a honey-dipped donut.
• Was it really necessary for the MARCH OF THE PENGUINS guys to bring stuffed animals with them onstage? I mean, if Felicity Huffman had won Best Actress, you wouldn’t see her haul a pre-op tranny up there with her, would you?
• The KING KONG techie guys doing that Kong yell at the end of their acceptance speech cements a long-suspected theory of mine: Everything associated with Peter Jackson is major geeky.
• Great TiVo Moment #2: During the performance of the song from CRASH, the interpretive dancers were acting out scenes from the movie, including the racist cop groping the black woman’s crotch. It’s a good thing BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN wasn’t nominated in this category, or primetime may have been treated to some slow-motion palm spitting.
• For my money, honorary Oscar winner Robert Altman deserves a statue alone just for getting Julianne Moore to play an entire scene sans pants. But, hey, no O.C. & STIGGS clips?
• I correctly guessed 17 out of the 24 categories. This year, my strategy was to go for some upsets. Some of them didn’t pan out (Amy Adams, MURDERBALL), but some of them totally did, like George Clooney and “Hard out Here for a Pimp” winning Best Song. I don’t even like rap and I have to agree it was the best of the three nominees. And Jon Stewart’s retort of “Martin Scorsese, 0; Three-Six Mafia, 1″ was the night’s best line.
• Philip Seymour Hoffman is one of our greatest living actors. And one of the worst speech givers.
• Huh, Reese Witherspoon is just a lil’ ol’ girl from Tennessee? Who knew? It’s not like she hasn’t reminded us of that during, oh, every single award show this season.
• Speaking of Reese, her husband Ryan Phillippe was sporting a nice zit in the center of the forehead. I believe that lone pimple signifies the number of years he has left to move out of the house.
• Great TiVo Moment #3: I’m pretty sure BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN scribe Diana Ossana was sipping a juice box at her seat.
• Great TiVo Moment #4: Paul Haggis’ wife excitedly putting her boobs back in her dress when CRASH shocked everyone by winning Best Picture. For that alone, we should be thankful.
• I had way too many glasses of wine.
In anticipation of what is sure this season’s finest horror-comedy about alien slugs, Universal Pictures wants you to put together your own trailer or TV spot for the film SLITHER. Just go here, engage your mad editing skillz and you could win $25,000, of which you will pay 10 percent. Thanks to Louis for the link.
Even though they’re all just okay, the first three flicks in the SCARY MOVIE franchise are always good for a few dumb laughs. And now April’s SCARY MOVIE 4 looks to offer more of the same, with spoofs on recent fright flicks THE WAR OF THE WORLDS, THE VILLAGE, THE GRUDGE and SAW. And, most frightening of all, Tom Cruise’s infamous appearance on Oprah.
You can see the trailer here. Call me crazy, but I think Anna Faris’ comedic skills in these movies are entirely underrated.
If you asked me to name some women who I thought I’d never see on the covers of those “lad mags,” Kristin Chenoweth would be on that list. But now we’ve gotta scratch her off, because she’s gracing the cover of the new issue of FHM.
It’s not that I think the former Oklahoma Cityan Chenoweth is ugly – quite the opposite, though someone should tell her not to outline her eyebrows with a Sharpie – but she seems too highbrow to follow in the footsteps of Carmen Electra and Jenny McCarthy. After all, Chenoweth has a Tony Award. (That’s for Broadway plays, guys.) You can see her stripped-down photos here without having to buy the magazine. If this is all some ploy to get me to see her in her new movie, THE PINK PANTHER, well, let me tell you, little lady, it done worked.
Hollywood director Lee Tamahori got himself arrested recently for soliciting an undercover cop for oral sex. But, wait, it gets better! Tamahori was dressed in women’s clothing at the time. Now there’s a mugshot I’d love to see. (And to think when scouring for hookers, I draw the line at novelty Groucho glasses.)
We inserted Tamahori’s filmography into the Hitch InstaBadTaste Title Regenerator (TM) and it spit out the following revisionist results:
• DYE ANOTHER GAY
• XXX: BAIT OF THE UNION
• ALONG CAME A PERVERT
• ONCE WERE EMPLOYABLE
Please note the HIBTTR left his debut film THUNDERBOX and his SOPRANOS episode – titled “Toodle-fucking-oo” – untouched.
Fox has released a teaser trailer for this summer’s remake of THE OMEN, which is coming out on 6/6/06 (you wonder if they greenlit the thing just to take advantage of the release date).
There’s not much here, other than a spooky atmosphere and a creepy kid. That’s all a teaser trailer needs to do. Of course, it might generate even more buzz if only they’d put the name of the movie on the damn thing. I can see people in the theater watching this and then going, “HIS DAY WILL COME looks kinda good.”
First off, allow me to go on the record for saying I never thought I’d see the day where something with the title “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” would be recognized as a Best Original Song nominee. But that’s what happened for the catchy HUSTLE & FLOW tune, and this shows that the oft-stodgy Academy has come a long way. Next year I hope to see something like “‘Tis Sore Being a Whore” do the same.
There were few surprises, save for a strong showing for Steven Spielberg’s MUNICH, which has been all but ignored in other awards races. It was nice to see nominations for JUNEBUG’s Amy Adams, HUSTLE’s Terrence Howard and, in Best Documentary Feature, the almighty MURDERBALL.
As far as predictions, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN looks to be a Best Picture and Best Director lock, while it’d be a safe bet to pick Philip Seymour Hoffman and Reese Witherspoon for the top acting prizes. The supporting categories are where the surprises usually happen. I’d love to see Amy Adams win for Supporting Actress, but she’s probably too young; then again, stranger things have happened. I think the newly thrice-nominated George Clooney could upset Paul Giamatti for Supporting Actor and thus be awarded for all his work this year, in both SYRIANA and GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.
I’m still kind of pissed that SYRIANA’s last-minute eligibility change from Adapted to Original Screenplay shut out THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN’s dark-horse shot at a nomination. Oh, well. You can see the full list of nominees in all the categories here.
* I have yet to see an acceptance speech where Philip Seymour Hoffman doesn’t cover half his face.
* The strangest shot of the night was seeing Eva Longoria sitting on the lap of Marcia Cross, much like a child, or at least a ventriloquist’s dummy. I suppose it was just for show (”Really, we like each other! See, we sit on our laps!”) because real people just don’t act like this. And not that I was ever on the Longwhoria train before, but her new short hair aged her about 15 years.
* Speaking of the cast of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, I’m beginning to tire of Felicity Huffman speeches. Yes, we know you’re married to William H. Macy. We like him more.
* Paul Giamatti said “it’s a hell of thing” four times and “shoot the shit” once. And he said that he likes donuts, but we kinda figured that already.
* Rachel Weisz has awesome pregnancy boobs.
* The biggest thing to come out of CRASH’s upset win for Best Ensemble Cast is that Ryan Phillippe gets to stay married to Reese Witherspoon for another year. Because when she won for Best Actress, it cemented her front-runner status for an Oscar, so you know he just started feeling a little like the new Chad Lowe. But then CRASH’s win gave him a statue, too, so they were on equal footing for the night. Next year, though, he’ll be crossing his fingers for a cameo in CRUEL INTENTIONS 4 and she can trade up husbands.
How far has Armand Assante’s star fallen that he can shoot a movie in a highly public area less than 10 miles from my house and I didn’t even know about it? The once-busy star of PRIVATE BENJAMIN and … well, I’m hard-pressed to come up with another without cheating with the IMDB, is the star of SURVEILLANCE, directed by the guy who did CHILDREN OF THE CORN and teaches film at a nearby community college. (A few years ago, we once asked Mr. Director, Fritz Kiersch, if we could interview him about his career on films like GOR and TUFF TURF, and he gave us the brush-off. We won’t hold that against him.)
It was shot at Oklahoma City’s Penn Square Mall, which holds many special memories for us here at Hitch. For me, it was the site of my recent mullet experiment (to appear in the forthcoming issue of Hitch). For Louis Fowler (who sent the link below), it served as a perpetual site of employment, at nearly every store except Victoria’s Secret and Hot Dog on a Stick. For another staffer who shall remain nameless, its two-story elevator served as a location for an after-closing quickie.
But I’m getting off track. Armand Assante (say it loud! Say it proud!) in a thriller in a mall in Oklahoma City. I can’t wait to see this work of genius. In the meantime, enjoy and enjoy and enjoy the trailer.
What does it say about it me that I liked a few of the films shortlisted on EBERT & ROEPER’s “Worst of 2005″ show that aired this weekend? One could argue that I just like crappy movies, but I’d like to think the definition of “worst” needs to be revisited. After all, there’s nothing wrong with “dumb fun.” It’s when the fun is taken out of the equation that a flick could be considered the worst.
Roger Ebert started off the show hating FANTASTIC FOUR, ELEKTRA and CONSTANTINE, all three movies which I liked (but did not love) because they entertained me and offered escape, even though I knew going in that my intellect was not in for a two-hour workout. And they certainly weren’t boring. He then derided DOOM, which I haven’t seen but is damn sure on my Netflix list, and UNDEAD, an Aussie zombie movie that I also haven’t seen, but looked cool enough from the clip they showed.
I thought something like THE DUKES OF HAZZARD was among the year’s worst, because it was utterly painful to watch – so bad I couldn’t get through it all. At least they didn’t disappoint me there, with Richard Roeper putting it at No. 1 and Ebert placing it just behind his top pick, DEUCE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO – another one I haven’t seen, and have zero plans to.
Admittedly, a few years ago I made a conscious decision to not pick movies apart at every level of quality; I just wanted to be entertained. But it’s Ebert’s job to pick movies apart. Then again, he ended the show calling Brittany Murphy “sexy,” so what does he know? Any chances of Brittany Murphy being sexy were decimated by Ashton Kutcher’s sperm.
You may have recall reading about the making of the indie film SEX MACHINE in the pages of the current Hitch (”The Cinematic Guilty Pleasures Issue”). The film is now complete and set to unspool, and the website for it has gone live.
For such a small film (written and directed by Christopher Sharpe), the site is loaded with content, including a trailer, a clip, behind-the-scenes production photos, a production diary and even downloadable (and well-designed) desktop images. A mesh of FRANKENSTEIN and MEMENTO, the film itself can be summed up with this line: “After a cruel experiment leaves him with body parts not all his own, an amnesiac seeks revenge on those responsible, while attempting to prevent his girlfriend from suffering the same fate.” In case you were wondering – and you were – the title refers to a tattoo on one of the hero’s two grafted arms.
I had the pleasure of attending SEX MACHINE’s cast-and-crew premiere a few days before New Year’s Eve, and it was a lot of fun. Check out the site now to whet your appetite and we’ll let you know when the DVD becomes available.
I am a huge fan of George Romero’s CREEPSHOW, having rented it endlessly from Sound Warehouse throughout junior high. Heck, I even love CREEPSHOW 2, the inferior but still vastly entertaining sequel. That’s why the idea of a third film sat well with me since 1987.
But now that CREEPSHOW 3 is a reality, I wish it weren’t. I hate to pass judgment on a film I haven’t yet seen, but from the looks of the official site, we’ve got nothing to look forward to. For one thing, Romero is not involved. For another, it’s not based on Stephen King stories this time around. And for another, it looks dirt-cheap and shot on video. The cast is all no-names. The stories look like uninspired syndicated-TV stuff. And it’s from the people who got the rights to another Romero property and made a shitty sequel called DAY OF THE DEAD 2: CONTAGIUM, which no one seems to like.
I’d say I’m more excited about news of Warner Brothers’ remake of the original CREEPSHOW, but that would imply some level of excitement over this.
• Best Breastage Presentation (tie): Scarlett Johansson and Virginia Madsen. SIDEWAYS, any ways … heck, beggars can’t be choosers! (Aside: Despite my love for Scarlett, her attempt at hosting SNL this past weekend was nothing short of abysmal.)
• Worst Breastage Presentation (tie): Drew Barrymore and Mariah Carey. When my parents taught me about sex, they had help from a book called WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME? One of its pages had an illustration of horny, acne-scarred kids gawking at oddly shaped breasts, including a pair that resembled cucumbers. Thanks for reminding me of that, Drew.
• Harrison Ford was clearly drunk. That’s about the only way you can enjoy any of his recent movies.
• But Mary-Louis Parker had to be high.
• Did Dennis Quaid really think referring to BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN as a “dick flick” was a good idea?
• Paul Giamatti will never win an award as long as his beard remains looking pubic.
• I haven’t seen CAPOTE yet, but Philip Seymour Hoffman deserved his win because he’s always good in everything. And also because he could beat me in a pancake-eating contest.
• The best reaction shot of the entire night was seeing Joaquin Phoenix trying to brush his mom away after she kissed his cheek. At least I hope that was his mom. I was hoping for a breakdown on the level of frogs emerging from his head, but this was good enough.
• Since he shoved his wife out of her chair and interrupted Joaquin’s acceptance, the only way Ryan Phillippe could have called more attention to himself was to drop his pants. And even then, people still wouldn’t care about him. Reese Witherspoon picks better movies than she does husbands, and I’m including LEGALLY BLONDE 2 in there.
• Gwyneth Paltrow is so damned in love with herself it wrings my duodenum. Did you hear her pronounce Anthony Hopkins as “Antony”? How utterly precious. Let’s hope the Apple falls far from this tree. (Teri Hatcher also loves herself, but she can’t pull off the prep school accent.)
• Giving Steve Carell the award for THE OFFICE was the smartest thing the Hollywood Foreign Press Association did this year. His acceptance speech proved it.
• When Sandra Oh came onstage to get her Globe and started off by saying, “I I I I I I I I I I,” I thought she was speaking Chinese.
• To the cast of WILL & GRACE: You will not be missed.
• Jill Hennessey is a man. And Natalie Portman is getting there.
• Marcia Cross is a robot. Seriously, there’s no other explanation for her. That girl is a robot.
• However, there is no explanation for the elongated monkey that calls himself Adrien Brody.
• By TiVoing this and skipping over the commercials and long walks to the stage, we watched the three-hour broadcast in half the time. Still, I should’ve watched 24 instead.