LG YC SLC PCH 29Z
SARG SLC RF PROV
NY S&P CRTNS 5Z
PLS FDG BRWNE
JD PEP GRVY MIZ
PTNT RSTD GARLIC PAR
MINI MPL CINN PIT
OORCH APL RSP
OM LT BF FRNK
OORCH CLCM OJ12
SOBE LIFE PSSN
… and one that’s not …
GREAT GUACAMOLE
LCHBL TK/CH
HC SMK SGE
YOP WHP CHOC
GV CHED SHED
APPL GRAN LG
SPRY MARG
MC GM MONTRE
HJ MASHD POT
MAC CHSE DIN
HC CKN FETT
FBO ITL PEP
EQ STOM REL
Times must be hard for Steven Seagal. Do his straight-to-video actioners not pay enough bills that he has to enter the energy drink business? Dubbed “Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt” (snicker), the drink comes in two flavors: Asian Experience and Cherry Charger.
As a public service, I tried them both for you, the reader. I had exactly one drink of each. I had to spit out exactly one drink of each, too. For you see, Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt – ”a natural energy drink packed with vitamins and exotic botanicals” – is not only the worst energy drink ever, but a cursed liquid in general that puts your body UNDER SIEGE. It smells what I would imagine his ass to smell like, with a pungent, repulsive taste to match. An hour later, I still get the aftertaste off my tongue no matter how much I scrape it. It’s an overall gruesomeness that’s HARD TO KILL and I feel like I’ve been MARKED FOR DEATH.
Avoid this like you have his movies of the last 10 years.
I know I said the other day that Rip It Atomic Pom was the best-tasting energy drink I’ve tried, but now I ask that those comments be stricken from the record, your honor, now that I’ve tried Monster Khaos.
While en route to move a refrigerator yesterday morning, I filled my car up at a 7-Eleven; since I was yawning about every gallon, I went in a bought a can of this. I’d never had a Monster before, but this one caught my eye because the can read “70% Juice!” And they’re not lying when they say “juice”: apple, orange, pear, pineapple, tangerine, white grape … I know I’m forgetting a couple, but damn, was it ever a veritable fruitopia! Best of all, the calorie count was pretty low for a serving – 90! – and it still had the caffeine boost that my brain, body and self-esteem have come to crave.
I really need to find this stuff in bulk, though. I’d love to drink one of these every morning, but $2 a can is pricey, and my babies need food.
As promised, I tried the two new flavors of Rip It energy drink I found on sale at the grocery store: Lime Wrecker and Atomic Pom.
Both of them taste great. I tried Lime Wrecker first, which is definitely limey, and in such a way that it tasted alcoholic. No problem there. The next day, I tried Atomic Pom, which I suspect is pomegranate-flavored (hence, the pun!). I thought it was the best-tasting energy drink I’ve ever tried, so I let my wife have a sip, since she loves pomegranate juice. She hated it (go figure), so I’ll chalk that up to my revenge for tricking me into trying that Coke Blak sludge.
Energy drink are not exactly known for great taste, so these are breakthroughs in that department, especially when other, older Rip It flavors (”Citrus X” and the generic “Power”) sorely lack. The downside of all that is to get the “energy” benefit (i.e. caffeine buzz), you really have to consume both servings. So that’s 440ish empty calories per can. Oh, well, who can afford heroin with these gas prices nowadays?
As regular visitors to this page know, I’ll try any new soft drink that comes out. But I was not eager to try new Coke Blak, the “coffee-infused” cola beverage from Coca-Cola, for one simple reason: Unlike the rest of the world, I. Hate. Coffee.
But my wife loves the java and she wanted to try it, so I bought her one. She took one sip and said, “It tastes like black licorice.” That made my ears perk up, because I – unlike the rest of the world – love black licorice. So stupid me said, “Really? Let me try!” And the instant Coke Blak hit my lips, I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I doesn’t taste anything like black licorice; it tastes like liquified Coffee Nips, which are those hard candies only grandparents buy. I had to spit it out.
Apparently, Pepsico is following suit with Pepsi Cappucino. May it rot in hell. In other “beverages that are not good for your body” news, I picked up two new flavors of Rip It energy drinks at the grocery store today. Reviews coming soon if the expected caffeine kick doesn’t screw with the nerve endings needed to formulate thoughts and type.
Never had a SoBe energy drink until today, when my usual Monday-morning lethargy called for a massive caffeine boost. A trip to 7-Eleven brought instant relief in the form of a SoBe Superman drink. It came in a tall, black-and-white can with a huge Superman insignia on it, to promote June’s release of SUPERMAN RETURNS, of course.
I can’t even describe the taste, although it was good. But did it make me Superman-esque? Not unless the new film includes a scene of Supes twitching like Michael J. Fox at a jitterbug contest. I didn’t want to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but I totally wanted to empty my bladder in a single standing.
Oh, and I got a free refrigerator magnet. Whoo-hoo.
Whilst picking up ingredients for chicken enchiladas Saturday afternoon at the grocery store, I spotted a display for the newest Dr Pepper flavor: Berries and Cream. According to the logo on the label, it’s another entry in their soda-fountain favorites line, which in total also includes cherry vanilla.
Have you ever heard of anyone ordering any kind of soda with raspberry and cream flavorings? (If you are, you must have met your wife at a USO dance, when you weren’t plagued by incontinence.) Me neither. But that’s what this one is, and at two for $1, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to try it out.
My verdict: Blech. I couldn’t even down six ounces of the stuff.
Coca-Cola has introduced a new carbonated, citrus-flavored “energy beverage” called Vault. Since I tried it yesterday, I know why they chose the name Vault: Because it tastes like rust. Well, not rust exactly, but it sure wasn’t good (like a poor man’s Mountain Dew MDX), had a nasty aftertaste and gave me a headache. To add insult to injury, I didn’t receive any rush of energy off it, either. All in all, I went zero-for-three on their tagline of “The Taste. The Quench. The Kick!”
In other Things That Aren’t Good for You news, Taco Bueno no longer offers tamales, which really bummed me out yesterday.
Remember Tab? You know, that cola drink in the pinkish can that the fat women on your block drank in the 1970s? Coca-Cola has just relaunched Tab, but as an energy drink. That alone piqued my curiosity enough to try one this weekend, although the can looks like a prop from QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY.
It tastes like … well, Tab. Or at least what I remember Tab to taste like, which wasn’t very good. And I certainly didn’t get any caffeine boost off of it, so my morning was as lethargic as ever.
Coca-Cola also has the Full Throttle energy drink, which we told you tastes like motor oil, but they’ve recently introduced a new flavor, Full Throttle Fury. Since a sugar-free option was available, I tried that yesterday. Though the can is flaming red, the liquid itself is orangy orange. And it tastes pretty good, like a fizzy orange soda. I had to down both of the can’s servings to feel its alertness effects, though. Ah, the sacrifices I make for not drinking coffee like everyone else.
Who was it that said the world is divided among those who like Oreos and those who like Hydrox? Personally, I was not much of an Oreo fan growing up and still am not today. (I’d rather have another helping of dinner than eat dessert.) The chocolate cookies in Oreo always tasted a bit off to me.
But these Golden Oreos, in which the chocolate cookies are replaced by vanilla ones, are a gift from God. (Seriously, look it up in the Bible under Dextrose 16:9.) I could eat half a package if I had a death wish, so two a day’ll have to do. The rest of my family, however, has no such limits.
Anyone know there’s now a “birthday cake” ice cream flavor? I happened upon it while buying the cheapest possible diapers (hey, they’re just going to get ruined) at my local Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market and thought, “Birthday cake ice cream? Okay, you flavor geniuses! Whatever! Hey, I should buy some.” And of course I did, or else you’d be denied this handy post.
Sure enough, the damn thing tastes exactly like yellow birthday cake mixed with vanilla ice cream, earning it the Hitch Seal of Approval (second in standing only to the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval, but we’re gaining on you, bitches!). Now I’m obsessed with making Birthday Cake Bullet Shakes. What’s a Birthday Cake Bullet Shake, you ask? A recipe of my own limited-kitchen-creativity creation. Here’s what you need:
• Birthday cake ice cream (duh)
• Milk (I use 1% to keep the fat content down a little; you could use skim milk, but personally, the smell reminds me of kitty litter)
• Nesquik chocolate syrup (now in a squeezable container for those of us not intelligent enough to deal with the challenging powder format)
• Carnation malted milk
• A Magic Bullet (a regular blender just won’t do)
Fill one of the Magic Bullet shaker tops with ice cream (stuff it in), milk (to the top), a squirt of syrup and two heaping (and I mean heaping – don’t be a wuss about it) spoonfuls of malted milk. Bullet that up, drink it down, get fat, praise the Lord.
So I’ve been battling this cough for about a week, one that only bothers me only at night, causing a lack of sleep – not only for me, but my wife and infant child. Yesterday I’m at the grocery store picking up something for dinner and see a display for the new Tylenol Cough & Sore Throat. I get the “Nighttime” formula with “Instant Cool Burst Sensation!” and take it after last night’s 24 season premiere ended (aside: now that’s how you start a season!). It was harsh going down, like drinking peppermint extract straight from the bottle.
Within 20 minutes, I started getting all woozy at my computer and felt like I was going to fall asleep. Mind you, this was about two hours before I actually do go to sleep. Deciding that reading would be impossible under the influence, I got into bed just before unconsciousness took over. Next thing I know, it’s time to wake up. Now two hours later, I still feel dazed and confused. It’s been years since I took medicine like that, so I had forgotten how potent they can be. I should’ve known when the self-checkout required cashier approval of the purchase. Hopefully a little sugar-free NOS will slam my sluggishness into reverse.
Forgive the admittedly tasteless reference to one of the funniest lines in one of the funniest movies of all time, but Coca-Cola recently introduced its Black Cherry Vanilla flavor, in both regular and diet form. I tried it this past weekend, and while I didn’t dislike it, I don’t see myself buying another box of it when this one’s through. Not with diet Cherry Coke – to which I was recently introduced – still pleasuring my taste buds.
I wasn’t aware that the new Black Cherry Vanilla flavor is replacing the plain Vanilla flavors, so if you like that, you’d best drop everything right now and scour the shelves of your local grocery store, because it’s going the way of Pepsi Holiday Spice. I immediately loved Vanilla Coke from the very start, but it gave me the worst headaches, so we mutually agreed to part ways and see other people.
…for I have sinned. With the wife craving a quick, cheap cheeseburger, I was forced to get McDonald’s for dinner the other night. Not wanting to just have the same ol’ llimp hamburger, I threw all fat-content caution to the wind and ordered the Ranch BLT Premium Chicken sandwich. This consisted of a crispy chicken breast with bacon, lettuce, tomato (hence the “BLT” in the name) and ranch dressing, all on a bun much too highbrow for fast food. It was surprisingly good. Then again, when you don’t have McDonald’s for months, McDonald’s tastes really good. It’s when you go a lot that it doesn’t do much for you, other than get you fat.
Me and Sonic Drive-Ins? We go way back.
When I was in first grade, my brothers and I were in a TV commercial for Sonic. This consisted of us eating hot dogs and waving from the back of my mom’s station wagon as we departed a Sonic (except I refused to eat the hot dog). This was back in the ’70s, when their carhops actually wore skates. More recently, within the last five years, I worked for them as a copywriter on a freelance basis, mostly coming up with slogans for their monthly specials that would then end up on their menu boards nationwide. (Remember when extra-long coneys were on sale under the catchy headline “More Bark for Your Bite!”? That was me.)
The point of all this? Despite our long, torrid history together, I’m not all that fond of Sonic food. There are dozens of places where I’d rather eat first. But this weekend my wife, God bless her, brought me home their new Gingerbread Blast and I fell in love. It’s basically just vanilla ice cream with gingerbread cookies all crunched up and mixed into it, but sometimes simple recipes are the best. And this one was heavenly. Pepsi continues to deny me Pepsi Holiday Spice this year, so I’ll just have to make do with the Sonic Gingerbread Blast for yuletide eats.
An update to my recent post on the pros and cons of various energy drinks: Target – the cool mega-retailer – now has its own energy drink, marketed under their in-house Archer Farms brand.
The shelf listed two flavors – grapefruit and tropical – but only had the grapefruit. I bought two of them, since they were sugar-free. I’m pleased to report that Archer Farms handily beats previous favorite NOS in the taste category. It really does taste just like grapefruit soda. The only downside is that after half a can – my heart and well-being have learned that 8 oz. of the stuff is all you should drink in a day – I didn’t get the “I’m awake!” jolt of other brands. So I drank the other half. Nada. It’s caffeinated, alright, according to the can, but I can’t recommend it as an alertness aid. At least not until I try the second can.
I just read this morning that we’re two short months away from the release of what the gods call Black Cherry Vanilla Coke. I love Coke. I love Cherry Coke. I love Vanilla Coke (even though it gives me a headache). And I love the color black. So I fully expect to love Black Cherry Vanilla Coke.
But seriously, folks, Black Cherry Vanilla Coke. The very thought makes me salivate.
And yes, Coke will be simultaneously introducing a diet version for all the fat people out there.
For those who perused my recent Energy Drink Smackdown, I must now add an addendum with the new release of Mountain Dew MDX Energy Soda. I bought the sugar-free version this morning to try, and I must report I’m alert and ready to face the day. Bring it on, day.
MDX is the exact color of the goo in the syringes of the RE-ANIMATOR movies, and probably is brewed with the same properties (being ginseng, taurine, guarana, maltodextrin, caffeine and zombie juice). 
At about a buck a bottle, it’s affordable (unlike Mountain Dew Amp). But how does it taste? Like Fresca, if you just brushed your teeth. You’ll get used to it.
Convenient segueway: I couldn’t find a photo online of MDX to put up, so I take this opportunity to discuss the new Fresca. For decades, this no-calorie citrus soda has been in the fridge of senior citizens everyone and Hitch contributor Brian Winkeler. I’ve always enjoyed the occasional Fresca, but now I’m intrigued that they’ve introduced two new flavors: peach and black cherry. Anyone tried these? Hook a brotha up with an opinion.
It’s gotta be better than Jones’ limited-edition Candy Corn soda, two cans of which still sit untouched in the back of my fridge, behind the big bag of baby carrots. They’ll probably be there through the winter. And speaking of winter, I look forward to the return of Pepsi Holiday Spice. Oh, sweet sweet Pepsi Holiday Spice.
I don’t drink coffee. Never have liked it. Never will.
But as I get older and my kids grow more high-maintenance, I get less sleep. Which means in the mornings, I’m more tired than I used to be. It’s gotten so bad recently that I’ve resorted to trying energy drinks. Having successfully resisted this eXtReMe! craze until now, I’ve tried a lot of different ones to find one I liked. Here are my unscientific findings:
NOS
Tastes like: Grapefruit juice plus
Buzz delivered: Decent
Drawbacks: Expensive, not easy to find, lotsa calories, don’t know how to pronounce it
Red Bull
Tastes like: Crap
Buzz delivered: None I could detect
Drawbacks: Expensive, poor taste, ominprescence, lotsa calories, associated with white trash
Amp
Tastes like: Mountain Dew with orange juice
Buzz delivered: Good balance between “alert” and “jittery”
Drawbacks: Expensive for such a small dose, lotsa calories
Full Throttle
Tastes like: Motor oil
Buzz delivered: Counteracted by the awful taste
Drawbacks: Expensive, does serious damage to the good Coca-Cola name, lotsa calories
Monster
Tastes like: Citrusy medicine
Buzz delivered: Fairly twitchy
Drawbacks: Expensive, lotsa calories
Moto
Tastes like: Soda, pretty much
Buzz delivered: Off the charts
Drawbacks: Expensive, not easy to find, lotsa calories, buzz so strong that the crash later on is hard