Hitch Magazine | Galactica

In the Year 2889

(1962)

***

In the Year 2889, fashions have devolved to the late 1960s. Oh, and nuclear war has occurred, leaving a curmudgeonly old military man and his pretty daughter alone and holed up in their quiet, isolated valley home. He has just enough rations for three people – himself, his daughter and her fiancé, for whom they’re waiting to show up.

At the first knock at the door, however, some random radiated, bacon-faced guy falls into their entryway. Capt. John gets out his Geiger counter and is concerned about the radiation, but his daughter insists on letting him stay. Then, immediately following, four others show up and weasel their way into the compound. It all serves to piss off Capt. John, who promises to settle arguments with the trusty gun hanging in a holster from his tan jumpsuit.

It’s not long before the group is bickering and at each other’s throats. To complicate matters, such as a shortage of food and no more alcohol, there’s a mutant monkey monster on the loose. Or so they say it’s descended it’s from monkeys, but the budget only allows for a grampa mask with added fangs and one hollow eye socket. What else do you expect from schlockmeister Larry Buchanan (Mars Needs Women)?

Star Odyssey

(1978)

***

Unlike Al Bradly’s other Italian-made Star Wars rip-offs (War of the Planets and War of the Robots), Star Odyssey is 100 percent Antonio Sabato-free. Those films also don’t have a boxing robot sequence, a female robot with big black eyelashes, guys in glittery spider-web shirts or a guy who does a lot of flips and handstands, and yet, Star Odyssey is virtually indistinguishable from those other stuffed-with-Sabato films.

What was it that scared Papa Antonio off from this material? The guy who walks around with his chest thrust out? The villain with the burnt-waffle pattern on his face? The hairstyles that all look modeled after Danny DeVito? The prospect of having to work on the exact same sets again? That damned “gay Casio” score? No matter. Fun while it lasts, if you don’t expect lucidity.

The Day of the Triffids

(1963)

****

Following a colorful meteor shower, nearly all the world wakes up blind. Oh, and chased by giant Venus flytraps. A lucky few still have their sight, however, and it is their stories of survival we follow.

In the main plot, docked seaman Howard Keel emerges from an eye operation and befriends a little girl after her train crashes. They go to Paris and Spain, looking for survivors and trying to defeat the killer plants. Meanwhile, in a lighthouse, an alcoholic scientist and his hottie partner try to figure out the creatures’ secrets, all while being sabotaged themselves. Humans use everything from giant pokers and electric fences to high-pressure water hoses and Mexican ice-cream trucks to fight the Triffids.

This is good, smart science fiction, played fairly straight and sober. For me, the Triffids – while well-done – weren’t even the best part of the movie. I was more interested in the demonstrations of a society gone chaotic, raising chilling questions like how would an airliner land if everyone aboard lost their sight? Answer: Not very damn well at all.