If you’re like the average American, you’ll likely spend some time this holiday season curled up to the cathode rays of IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE, A CHRISTMAS STORY or MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET. But as a HITCH reader, you’re an above-average American. So why not deck those halls with Christmas-themed viewing fare that’s more spiked than spirited?

We’ll get you well on your merry little way…

BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974)
‘Tis the Season: To be freaky. Before Bob Clark directed A CHRISTMAS STORY, he did its polar opposite, one of the earliest slasher films, complete with a killer hiding in a sorority house. The maniac breaks into the Kappa house just before Christmas break and takes refuge in the attic, emerging now and then to kill a girl. On top of this, the girls are terrorized further by a series of graphic telephone calls.
This Movie Gave to Me: A case of the shivers, because the mysterious phone calls are disturbingly unintelligible.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: Certainly not the killer, who’s never shown or named, only adding to the film’s unsettling feeling.

THE CHRISTMAS MARTIAN (1971)
‘Tis the Season: To be spacey. An alien crash-lands in Canada, but quickly finds help and goodwill with the local kids (albeit after bribing them with candy). The fearful parents plot to kill him, but – being a kid’s movie and all – you know they’ll come around.
This Movie Gave to Me: How do you say “upset stomach” in French?
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: Lots of subtitles. Christmas martians speak French!

CHRISTMAS TIME IN A BROTHEL (1976)
‘Tis the Season: To be slutty. Also titled HOLIDAY HOOKERS for American TV airings, this Italian sex “comedy” offers the entirely nauseating combination of purchased sex and Ernest Borgnine.
This Movie Gave to Me: Crabs, I’m sure.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: I repeat: the entirely nauseating combination of purchased sex and Ernest Borgnine.

DON’T OPEN ‘TIL CHRISTMAS (1985)
‘Tis the Season: To be gory. In jolly Londontown, a serial killer offs anyone wearing a Santa suit, with two Scotland Yard detectives on the trail. Much blood is shed in this UK film.
This Movie Gave to Me: More fuel for Caroline Munro fantasies.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: One Santa gets loses his chestnuts.

JACK FROST (1997)
‘Tis the Season: To be silly. Not to be confused with Michael Keaton’s kid-friendly dead-snowman movie – but oh, what if it were! – this JACK is a comedic horror picture in which the killer is a slow-moving, sadistic cousin of Frosty. On the eve of a serial killer’s execution, his prison transfer van collides with a chemical truck. The resulting leak alters his DNA, which logically turns him into a bloodthirsty snowman. You laugh, but this shit could happen! Among his crimes: decapitating a boy with a sled blade, pinning another to the wall with icicles shot from his hands and following it all up with the even stupider JACK FROST 2: REVENGE OF THE MUTANT KILLER SNOWMAN (2000).
This Movie Gave to Me: An even deeper appreciation for Sam Raimi’s EVIL DEAD 2, which this flick wants desperately to be – and fails.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: AMERICAN PIE hussy Shannon Elizabeth, being beaten to a bloody pulp by Jack in the bathtub.

LUCKY STIFF (1988)
‘Tis the Season: To be fatty. Goofy fat guy Joe Alaskey actually believes that BOSOM BUDDIES vixen Donna Dixon (hey, that rhymes!) is in love with him. She takes him home for the holidays to meet the family, not realizing they’re cannibals and want to eat him for Christmas dinner. Directed by Anthony Perkins, who did better with PSYCHO III.
This Movie Gave to Me: Countless stupid fat jokes.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: Donna Dixon in stirrup pants!

NAKED CHRISTMAS (1996)
‘Tis the Season: To be naked. This totally gratuitous video has four “scream queens” from the cast of SANTA CLAWS (see below) strip, gyrate, bump and grind to the sounds of stock music, all draped in a Christmas-y background. For one whole hour.
This Movie Gave to Me: Four ho’s a-ho’ing.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: Wall-to-wall boobies. But in the spirit of Christmas.

SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY (1972)
‘Tis the Season: To be nonsensical. Santa and his sleigh get stuck in the sand of a beach, so he telepathically summons a horde of local kids to aid him. One by one, the tykes literally drag in farm animals – a cow, a sheep, a horse – to try and pull the sleigh, but to no avail. The gorilla might have worked, if only Santa got off his fat ass and pitched in. Giving up, Santa tells the kids a story. Cue the film THUMBELINA, shown in its excruciating entirety. Inspired, the kids to call for the help of the mythical Ice Cream Bunny (the what?!), who rides in on a fire engine, yet bears no frozen treats. Santa is freed.
This Movie Gave to Me: A hankering for ice cream … and large doses of caffeine.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: Thumbelina nurtures a near-dead bird and escapes from spiders, only to be trapped in a loveless relationship with a mole named “Mr. Digger.”

SANTA CLAUS (1960)
‘Tis the Season: To be disturbing. Enterprising American schlockmeister K. Gordon Murray was famous for importing a slew of nonsensical Mexican children’s peliculas, but this bizarre musical fantasy made some serious coin. Santa wages an all-out war against the Puck-ish Satan himself, while still finding time to brighten the lives of even the most poverty-stricken of children – namely, the waif Lupita, who refuses to get on Mephistopheles’ side. Even if you’ve seen it relentlessly skewered on MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000, it still doesn’t make any sense! This Saturday-matinee Santa proved so successful, Murray followed with several cut-and-paste variations: SANTA CLAUS AND HIS HELPERS (1964), SANTA’S MAGIC KINGDOM (1966), SANTA’S ENCHANTED VILLAGE (1966) and SANTA’S FANTASY FAIR (1969).
This Movie Gave to Me: Assurance that the embodiment of all the world’s evil can be soundly defeated by a mythical character.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: Every racial stereotype on display and reinforced for the benefit of its impressionable young viewers.

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964)
‘Tis the Season: To be Zadora-rific! This legendary flick – often pegged as one of the all-time worst – has Martians kidnap Santa after spying on Earth children and seeing how much fun Christmas is. Santa hardly puts up a fight, escapes death and teaches the Martians the true meaning of Christmas.
This Movie Gave to Me: The Christmas song to end all Christmas songs: the theme that screams “S-A-N-T-Y, C-L-A-U-S / Hooray for Santy Claus!” God bless you, Milton DeLugg, wherever you are.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: A very young Pia Zadora co-stars as a Martian child – undoubtedly, the finest role of her illustrious career.

SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE (1985)
‘Tis the Season: To be turkey. One of the decade’s biggest bombs, this epic proves the Salkinds should’ve stuck to producing SUPERMANs. Then fully into his career downslide, Dudley Moore stars as Patch the Elf (despite the film’s title suggesting otherwise), an enterprising yet bumbling Santa helper who breaks ties with his employer in a huff and joins the dark side, in form of a Grinch-y toy tycoon, essayed by John Lithgow, overacting as usual.
This Movie Gave to Me: A solid reason to hate the Salkinds’ SUPERGIRL just a wee bit less.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: Did they just put glass inside a teddy bear? In a children’s film? Yep, they did.

SANTA CLAWS (1996)
‘Tis the Season: To be sleazy. Debbie Rochon is menaced by a stalker, who dresses up like Santa and kills people with a claw. Santa, claws – get it? Lots of women get naked, solely for the purpose of getting naked. This one was written and directed by John Russo, best known as one-half of the acrimonious creative duo behind the horror classic NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.
This Movie Gave to Me: Further proof that Romero was the genius.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: Well, an oft-naked Rochon sure didn’t hurt.

SANTA VISITS THE MAGIC LAND OF MOTHER GOOSE (1965)
‘Tis the Season: To be boring. Despite being directed by “godfather of gore” H.G. Lewis (BLOOD FEAST), this low-low-budget entry – apparently filmed on a high-school stage, this one is a patience-tester. The title’s a bit of a misnomer, as Santa doesn’t really “visit” the so-called “magic land,” but rather sits on his fat ass and reads about it in a book. As the story goes, Merlin the magician lets a slew of storybook characters out of an oversized Mother Goose volume, including a rag doll named Raggedy Ann and a ghost named Casper, portrayed by a Kleenex on a string. A mean old witch appears to make things miserable, until Merlin does some tricks, some horrid songs are sung and Merlin does some more tricks. Come to think of it, Merlin runs fucking rings around Santa.
This Movie Gave to Me: The necessary lack of stimulation for a good nap.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: Are you kidding? ‘Twas a struggle just to keep them open.

SANTA WITH MUSCLES (1996)
‘Tis the Season: To be Hulky. In another dubious entry in pro wrestler Terry “Hulk” Hogan’s entirely dubious motion picture career (MR. NANNY, SUBURBAN COMMANDO), Hulk plays a Scrooge-esque fitness guru changes his ways when he gets hit on the head, and sets out to save an orphanage. You bet your ass there’s slapstick.
This Movie Gave to Me: Sore butt muscles.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: Joan Severance in a frilly white bra. No, wait, that was NO HOLDS BARRED. Damn!

SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (1973)
‘Tis the Season: To be bloody. Predating BLACK CHRISTMAS by at least a year, a maniac terrorizes townspeople with threatening telephone calls on Christmas Eve.
This Movie Gave to Me: Strained eyes – it’s one of the darkest films ever made.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: Andy Warhol posse members Candy Darling and Ondine make cameos.

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984)
‘Tis the Season: To be sacrilegious. When a young boy sees his parents brutally murdered and raped by a criminal dressed as Santa Claus, he grows up to don the jolly costume himself and make similar yuletide mischief. Notorious and controversial upon its theatrical release, this truly is sick, unpleasant stuff.
This Movie Gave to Me: Four lame-ass sequels: SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT PART II (1987); SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 3: BETTER WATCH OUT! (1989); SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 4: INITIATION (1990), directed by Brian Yuzna; and SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOY MAKER (1992), starring, of all people, Mickey Rooney!
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: Talk about coitus interruptus: Santa impales a topless woman on the antlers of a stuffed dead-animal head on the wall. Ho-ho-ho, ho!

TALES FROM THE CRYPT (1972)
‘Tis the Season: To be scary. Perhaps the most effective of the five stories in this anthology film is “All Through the House,” in which DYNASTY’s Joan Collins is chased through her abode by a maniac in a Santa suit, but only after brutally killing her paramour for his money. One of the earliest Kringle-as-killer portraits, it was effectively remade years later by Robert Zemeckis, as one of the first episodes of HBO’s TALES FROM THE CRYPT series (and is also available on video).
This Movie Gave to Me: Nightmares.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: Holy crap, it’s Benny! (remake only)

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT (1980)
‘Tis the Season: To be freaky. Also known as CHRISTMAS EVIL and (better yet) TERROR IN TOYLAND, this horror film concerns a boy who freaks out when he learns Santa is a work of fiction when he sees his dad dressed as Santa about to have sex with his mom, and becomes obsessed with making Santa a reality. Working as a toymaker, he goes over the proverbial edge and on the now-familiar sleigh ride – er, that’s slay ride.
This Movie Gave to Me: No desire to ever combine foreplay and a Santa suit.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: Our anti-hero uses a toy soldier to stab some poor schlub in the eye.

WILL & ED’S EXCELLENT BONER CHRISTMAS (1991)
‘Tis the Season: To get busy. Starring Victoria Paris, it’s the inevitable porno version of BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE, but with a holiday theme. Oh, and penetration. Somewhere, Jesus weeps.
This Movie Gave to Me: A milky discharge.
And What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear: Actually, I haven’t seen it, but I’m sure I’d say, “I haven’t seen that before.”

TWISTED CHRISTMAS FLICKS THAT YULE GO CRAZY FOR
by Rod Lott
from Hitch: The Journal of Pop Culture Absurdity, #28
© 2001 Rod Lott

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