Listen to the Muzak: Christmas is here again.

Only with everyone still feeling the pinch of recent gas prices, who can afford it?

You can, that’s who. How, you ask? We offer two words, Mr. High Maintenance: Dollar Tree. With 10 greater metro locations to serve you, Dollar Tree plays home to an ever-rotating stock of retail goods, all priced at exactly a buck, in nearly every department imaginable, with something sure to please even the toughest members of your hastily scrawled gift list. In these modern times, its sheer fiscal soundness ranks directly alongside Ramen noodles.

Okay, granted – so maybe you can’t go home with, say, a microwave oven, but you can make out like a bandit with lots of littler items, and everybody knows that – as with pizza, beer and lovemaking – quantity trumps quality. This article can guide you toward suitable presents for 10 different recipient groups, with not a single item carrying a price tag of more than 100 pennies.

Besides, if you’ve waited this long, you’re up a creek anyway. Here’s your paddle.

FOR THE HOUSEHOLD-MINDED MOM
Mothers will tell you they don’t want anything for the holidays except for the family to be together. This is crap; yo mama is just as greedy as the rest of us.

And if your mom is the June Cleaver type, this is going to be a cinch, what with all the Royal Norfolk Linens all-purpose towels and a wide variety of wicker baskets that are actually much larger than you’d expect for a mere buck. Plus, with all the cooking utensils and flatware on display, Mom won’t have any excuse not to whip you up a delicious turkey dinner.

Provided she needs kitchen help, there’s a cookbook enticingly entitled 1 NOODLE, 50 SAUCES. Or maybe the dining room just needs some prettying up, in which case I’d go for the Royal Norfolk dinner plate sets. They’re large, microwave- and dishwasher-safe, and available in several different styles. Your mom might like the slightly abstract fruit design, but I bought one plate of it, so that set might be incomplete, depending on which location you visit.

And should that happen, there’s always Hope Rose Liquid Potpourri. If she prefers her potpourri to be solid and leafy, don’t fret; they have that as well. If she detests all molecular forms of potpourri, there’s always Ajax.

FOR THE IMPOSSIBLE-TO-SHOP-FOR DAD
As the cliché has it, the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so get on Dad’s good side with a stick of Texas Pete’s Giant Hot Sausage.

That didn’t come out right, so for further culinary adventures, why not some other hot stuff? Oklahoma is home to a number of terrific salsas, my absolute favorite of which is Ironhead Salsa out of Moore.

But since it’s about five bucks a jar, you won’t find it at Dollar Tree. But they do have a generic and suspect hot sauce, as well as other bottled sauces, including recognizable and trusted brand names like Heinz Steak Sauce. Just steer clear of the can of La Morena sliced green peppers – not because they’re not good; I just don’t trust the look on her face.

Toiletry items comprise an entire store aisle, so pick Dad up something useful, like a two-pack of Scope mouthwash (Citrus Splash and Cinnamon Ice) to help chase the aftertaste of Texas Pete. Better yet, up that alcohol content with the help of Shasta Club Soda and Shasta Tonic Water, in handy, two-liter sizes for the serious December drunk.

Whether they’re merely tinkerers or sawdust-strewn laborers, all fathers love (or at least appreciate) good tools. And here you can find a cornucopia of garage items, including glue guns, flashlights, shop goggles, pliers and a fluorescent-colored Tuff Tools cutting set. Gearhead-prone dads might like some car polish or fuel ejection cleaner.

Perhaps the safest bet is the TeleZapper from Privacy Technologies (“Disfrute de una cena familiar tranquila,” proclaims the packaging), a simple electronic device that eliminates telemarketing calls. This gadget works like a charm, Pop; I’ve already got your number programmed into mine.

FOR THE WIFE AND/OR GIRLFRIEND
Years of DNA research and genome coding have yielded one extremely beneficial bit of knowledge for today’s society: All women dig candles. And Dollar Tree has a ton of candles – those glorious wax-‘n’-wick concoctions – in so many colors that even the pickiest female can own a miniature fire hazard that suits her exacting taste.

For more possibilities in the ever-popular “things that smell good” category, there’s the April Bath/Shower Coconut Lime Body Cream (with accompanying loofah, for no extra charge). To my nose, it smells just as rosy as anything you’re apt to find at Bath & Body Works, so she won’t know the difference unless she is employed by Bath & Body Works or reads this article. (Helpful hint: This is one of the few times when having an unemployed, illiterate significant other is a big plus.)

What better way for that/those special lady/ladies in your life to emerge from a hot bath employing the aforementioned coconut lime body cream and into a fresh set of Élan bras and panties? I believe all sales are final, so while purchasing lingerie from a dollar store is in theory a bad thing, it appears to be safe here. At any rate, a box of Zachary assorted chocolates is sure to do the trick for dessert.

Don’t overlook the selection of purses and handbags from Sassy & Chic. Some are even adorned with messages like “Spoiled” and the so-true-it-hurts “I Heart Bling.”

FOR THE GRANDMOTHER WHO ALREADY HAS EVERYTHING
Before she passed away last winter, my grandmother received a cat calendar from us for nearly 10 Christmases in a row. She liked it because: a) it had 12 different pictures of cats, and b) the grid was large enough where she could pencil in all those to-dos from her busy schedule, like “Take red pill” and “Watch JAG.”

My point? If it was good enough for my grandmother, then a calendar is good enough for yours. Dollar Tree’s got a bundle, each offering 12 months chock full o’ flowers, puppies and kitties. Some come with a handy pocket calendar as a bonus, allowing for easy portable viewing of things that are pretty.

She also might like Special Moments frames with pictures of the grandkids and great-grandkids; if she dislikes these relatives, you can leave the frames empty. To help keep her mind active, how about a Sudoku puzzle magazine or a LARGE PRINT WORD FINDER book? With puzzle themes like “Cherry Orchards,” “Nambia Cities” and “A Nurse’s Rounds,” Vol. 24 looks good.

For more practical gifts, don’t overlook the tablet crusher, which pulverizes hard-to-swallow medication into easily dissolvable powder. And there’s all sorts of products I’ve never seen anywhere outside of my grandparents’ medicine chest, including milk of magnesia, Tussin and feminine deodorant spray, whatever those are.

FOR THE SIBLINGS
Music accessories are always a popular gift when it comes to one’s brothers and sisters. But forego the blank cassette tapes and get with the 21st century with a three-pack of jewel cases, for the illegal downloader-and-burner in your family.

And boy, does Dollar Tree have a ton of DVDs. But mostly they’re for the DVDphile who decides his collection isn’t complete without some Burgess Meredith, Ted Danson and David Janssen.

Some of the DVD movies they stock range from the good (NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD) to the bad (MIDNIGHT COP despite the eye-candy factor of Morgan Fairchild in a negligee) to the stocked with giant turtles (GAMERA).

I recommend PAPER MAN, an insane TV-movie from 1971 starring Dean Stockwell and Stephanie Powers. In it, an overweight college nerd who looks not unlike John Denver accidentally receives a credit card for someone else, so he and his lab buddies use computers the size of Frigidaires to create a whole false identity, thus allowing them to go on a spending spree. But somehow the “paper man” comes alive and kills people via insulin overdoses and elevator mishaps. Good times.

FOR THE TEENAGERS
Dollar Tree may not be ideal for the teens, due to its absence of toxic inhalants, pornography and jeans that hang below the equator, but all is not lost!

You can purchase Nerf-like but not-Nerf footballs and any of a kajillion school supplies, a few of which – like the huge solar calculator – are not exceedingly dorky.

And since Harry Potter has made reading cool again, why not gift them a book? Here you’ll find stacks of paperback books like entries in the R.L. Stine FEAR STREET horror series, novelizations for the Olsen Twins movie NEW YORK MINUTE and tie-in novels for teen-friendly TV shows like BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER and DAWSON’S CREEK, now largely remembered for starring a pre-brainwashed Katie Holmes.

Katie herself adorns the cover of the C.J. Anders novel DAWSON’S CREEK: TOUGH ENOUGH, in which the kids are sent to the forest for character building through wilderness training. It’s just as insufferable as the series, so you know the teens will eat it up. And it’s clean enough that you don’t worry about the content. Seriously, here’s the sex scene in its entirety:

“Aren’t we supposed to be down here thinking about our pledges?” Chav asked.
Jen answered by reaching up and wrapping her arms around his neck.
His arms snaked around her waist.
His kisses were everything she had imagined.
And more.

FOR THE LITTLE ONES
Let’s face it: The holiday season is for children. Even the heathens who aren’t down with J.C. They’re all bound to be excited by an array of items with stocking stuffer potential, from Batman Band-Aids to Spongebob Squarepants Tangy Candy-Filled Stars.

For the kindergarteners, you can’t go wrong with bulk-sized bottles of bubbles. For the more techno-minded elder grade schoolers, there’s a variety of handheld electronic sports games, including baseball, soccer, racing, skateboarding and football.

Hobby-leaning kids might like “The Fast and the Furious” snap-together cars, while those who like to use their brain (nerds) can get worked up over the Fantastic Four jigsaw puzzle.

And the fun doesn’t stop there. You’ll find dolls, travel board games, activity books and the Ninja Action Figure, in which the ninja is painted purple but still manages to be cool because all ninjas are cool.

If you hate the child, may I suggest the Bible Sketch Artist activity set or a copy of NEW WEBSTER’S DICTIONARY EXPANDED EDITION?

FOR THE REALLY LITTLE ONES
Infant and toddler items occupy their own little corner of heaven at Dollar Tree, and parents appreciate those who remember even their tiniest tots during the holidays.

But don’t buy just anything; giving that jar of petroleum jelly conveys a message of “I’m creepy,” while gifting a box of cotton swabs says “I stopped at Dollar Tree on the way over.” You’re better off with the bowls, sippy cups, socks, washcloths and bath books, the latter of which presumably helps establish important reading-in-a-potentially-deadly-body-of-water skills early in life.

However, even those items are unremarkable next to the precious, off-the-charts cuteness of the two-pack of Baby Bibs. One features the head of a cartoon bear surrounded by the words “snack,” while the other reads “dinner” and is emblazoned with a monkey. Or is it a cow? Either way, animals + messy eating habits = downright adorable. And affordable.

FOR VARIOUS INTERCHANGEABLE FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS
I’d suggest something like the portable hands-free kit for Nokia cellphones, but that assumes too much in the way of brand loyalty.
So let’s make this one an easy call and recommend the holiday mug of candy. There. Done.

FOR THE PET
Against better judgment, there are people who give Christmas gifts to their pets. These are the same people who insist on dressing them in “darling” sweaters and outfits, even though pets naturally abhor such things. These people will be upset if you forget to bestow gifts upon Scraps and Tinkles this season.

Do you get food, like Friskies (available in tempting Ocean Fish and Gourmet flavors)? Do you get toys, like Paws-N-Claws chew bones? Or do you go completely practical, with a box of 10 large cat pan liners?

I vote practical. After all, it’s an animal; I wouldn’t hold out for a thank-you note.

So there you go. Gather up those George Washingtons you were saving for Night Trips and get yourself over to Dollar Tree, the one-stop shopping destinations for all your holiday gifts. While you’re there, don’t forget the wrapping paper and batteries! Yep, they’ve got those, too. Seasons greetings, tightwad!

I’D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR!: THE CHEAP BASTARD HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE
by Rod Lott
© 2005 Rod Lott

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This entry was posted on Thursday, December 22nd, 2005 at 10:54 am and is filed under Articles. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.