Taking a break from the usual to shamelessly plug my lovely and talented wife’s first novel, which officially hits stores today. Entitled THE STORK REALITY, the Dorchester/Leisure release is about a self-absorbed, career-driven woman whose crazy life as an advertising executive is put to the test when she and her vain husband unexpectedly discover they’re expecting.

“Rod,” you ask, “would this debut novel by Malena Lott make an ideal gift for my mom, mother-in-law, wife, sister or any woman who’s either been a mom, is a mom or is planning to be a mom?” I would answer yes. Yes, it would, so you should buy it here. And guys, it has some sex in it. Plus, I gave my wife a few of the funny lines in it. For free!

But seriously, I couldn’t be more proud of her. Unless she was pulling in Stephen King money. Then I’d hoist her above my head and carry her up and down the street like a parade.

Brentwood has a load of new stuff in store your DVD player for July and August, to help keep the summer cool. Kicking it off is THE LEGEND OF PRINCE VALIANT: THE COMPLETE SERIES – VOLUME ONE: five discs, 33 episodes, lots of extras of this well-remembered cartoon.

Remember Crown International? BCI is releasing several of their theatrical offerings from the ’80s, including MY CHAUFFEUR and the MILFy sex comedy MY TUTOR. (Coming later this year are GALAXINA, DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE!, TOMBOY and JOCKS, among others.) They’re also digging deeper into the Crown vault for a slate of branded double features, including:
• ADVENTURE THEATER DOUBLE FEATURE: INDIAN PAINT / AFRICAN SAFARI (PAINT stars Johnny Crawford and Jay Silverheels)
• CRIME TIME COLLECTION FILM NOIR DOUBLE FEATURE: CARNIVAL OF CRIME / THE HOSTAGE with Harry Dean Stanton and John Carradine
• MAXIMUM ACTION DOUBLE FEATURE: 9 DEATHS OF THE NINJA / KILL POINT
• STARLITE DRIVE-IN THEATER DOUBLE FEATURE: VAN NUYS BLVD. / LITTLE LAURA AND BIG JOHN with Fabian and Karen Black

Another EASTERN HORROR DOUBLE FEATURE comes with the Asian horror flicks CORPSE MASTER and SATAN’S SLAVE, pegged as the Thai version of PHANTASM. For south-of-the-border movie goodness, the LUCHA LIBRE DOUBLE FEATURE: THE CHAMPIONS OF JUSTICE / MYSTERY IN BERMUDA stars Mexican wrestlers Blue Demon, Santo and Mil Mascaras.

In other double feature news, BCI introduces its new CRYPT OF TERROR line for old-school foreign horror. It’ll kick off with NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES / CURSE OF THE DOLL PEOPLE and CEMETERY OF TERROR / GRAVE ROBBERS. Plus, martial arts classics make their DVD debut as part of BCI’s new RARESCOPE line. Since they’re presented in widescreen in their original language with English subtitles, they’ll sure to please kung-fu fans. The first offerings will be ALONG COMES THE TIGER and DRUNKEN DRAGON.

In way of four-packs, there are:
• BABES IN THE WOODS, featuring the nudity-a’plenty KILLER EROTICUS, BABES IN THE WOODS, BABES II: LOST IN BEAVER CREEK (subtle, that one) and BEL AIR BITCH PROJECT.
• BAND OF BROTHAS, with BLACK MARSHAL, UP IN HARLEM, BROTHAHOOD and BROTHERHOOD OF DEATH.
• STONE COLD KILLAZ, another blaxploitation offering with MIDNIGHT DRAGON, BLOOD REVENGE, BLACK TRASH (aka SOUL PATROL) and FIGHTING MAD.

Save your pennnies! And discuss it in our forums.

On this Memorial Day weekend, remember Principal Vernon from THE BREAKFAST CLUB, aka character actor Paul Gleason, who has died at the age of 67 from a rare form of cancer related to asbestos.

Though Gleason was a pleasure to watch in just about everything he was in, he forever will be remembered – and deservedly so – for that 1985 John Hughes classic, in which he offered this immortal line of wisdom: “Don’t mess with the bull, young man. You’ll get the horns.”

My favorite line of his, however, comes from DIE HARD, as he watches the bad guy plummet to his death: “I hope that’s not a hostage.”

Paul Gleason, ladies and gentleman: crackin’ skulls in heaven.

“Reactions Range from Joy to Indifference”

Beginning in October (naturally enough), musician/filmmaker Rob Zombie will get his own show on (of all things) Turner Classic Movies. He’ll host TCM UNDERGROUND, a weekly, late-night showcase for cult movies.

Zombie will be personally selecting the films to be broadcast. The titles announced thus far include George Romero’s THE CRAZIES, Francis Ford Coppola’s DEMENTIA 13 (produced by Roger Corman), Leonard Castle’s THE HONEYMOON KILLERS, Seijun Suzuki’s TOKYO DRIFTER and Ed Wood’s BRIDE OF THE MONSTER. And because they’re on TCM, that means they’ll be shown uncut, uninterrupted and hopefully in widescreen.

I may not be a fan of Zombie’s music, but I love what he does in the worlds of film and comics, and cable TV has needed something like this for quite a while. Because Zombie knows his cinematic stuff, this’ll be one worth watching.

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This is Luc Besson’s first film as director since AmazonTHE MESSENGER: JOAN OF ARC in 1999. But he hasn’t been missing in action. No, he’s been producing a massive amount of films since then, including the TAXI series, THE TRANSPORTER franchise, Jet Li vehicles, ONG-BAK: THE THAI WARRIOR and CRIMSON RIVERS 2, to name a few. But now he breaks his silence and put on the director’s cap for the first time in almost 10 years. The result is a film filled with Besson elements, but isn’t as romantic as one can wish for.

The story is simple. It’s Besson’s favorite: a boy-meets-girl story. Andre (Jamel Debbouze) is an incompetent crook who owes a large amount of money to a local kingpin (Gilbert Melki), and Angela (Rie Rasmussen) is an extremely hot prostitute whom he saves from a suicidal act. Or did he?

The film is much talkier than his others. They spend much of the time discussing inner beauty, self-esteem and other issues, but the conversations are cute and it actually charms you rather than bores you. The rest of the film is typical of Besson. Just as they were in Besson’s other works (THE FIFTH ELEMENT, THE PROFESSIONAL and LA FEMME NIKITA), our female lead is young and dynamite-hot with strong physical attributes (meaning she can kick ass).

But the lead performances aren’t as crackling as Besson’s previous screen couplings (Leon/Matilda and Leeloo/Dallas), because they lack the chemistry. Debbouze isn’t quite as comical as he wants to be and Rasmussen isn’t as angelic as she wants to be. It feels like they are trying so hard to play what they are not and to keep their contrast onscreen together, but their performances don’t convey what they are feeling or saying much. The romance between them is established and builds up, but you just can’t ever quite believe their emotions start making a connection; it is very forced.

So is romance dead in this romantic film? No, because what does work is another main character of the film, that of Paris, the city of lights. The images photographed by Besson’s usual DP, Thierry Arbogast, are very striking. The black-and-white images of Paris certainly capture and provide that feeling of romance.

ANGEL-A could have been magnificently romantic if it weren’t for the two leads, who almost destroy the romance. It is a major miscast by Besson. One can only suspect he cast them to keep the film’s profile small, but it sure backfired. It isn’t a failure, but from such an established director, it is weak. –Shogo

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To answer the burning question up front, yes, this third X-MEN movie is the weakest in the trilogy. But yes, it’s still quite good. Most – but not all – of your worries about hacky Brett Ratner taking over the franchise from Bryan Singer are largely unwarranted. The look, the feel, the characters – they’re all the same. The only notable difference is when Singer’s subtle touch is missed, lending some scenes (mostly with Angel) an air of silliness.

Oh, and I think I heard bowling-alley sound effects when Juggernaut plows through a crowd of foes.

In X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, a pharmaceutical company based in the former Alcatraz prison off the coast of San Francisco has developed a cure for mutants. But Professor X (Patrick Stewart) and his X-Men feel there’s nothing to be cured, because there’s nothing “wrong” with them; they are who they are. For once, arch-rival Magneto (Ian McKellen) shares their views, but he uses the situation to his own dictorial advantage, rounding up a rowdy mutant army to overthrow the authorities.

Thus begins a “hate triangle” of sorts, with man vs. mutant vs. mutant. And when Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) pulls out the metal claws, all is good. I’ll say no more about the plot, because – especially for a second sequel – there are some big surprises in this one. You can’t say it doesn’t take risks.

All the X-Men are back, with the exception of Alan Cummings’ Nightcrawler (a highlight of X2: X-MEN UNITED), and several new faces are introduced as well, most notably the aforementioned Angel (Ben Foster) and a very furry Kelsey Grammer as Beast. I figured Grammer was miscast, but he really does disappear behind the makeup.

The film hits a slump midway through when not a whole helluva lot happens, but it redeems itself with the expected all-out action finale. Something tells me LAST STAND’s scaled-downness (it’s not the epic X2 was) will play better at home and with repeated viewings, but as a summer superhero flick, it definitely delivers. See it, and stick around for the end credits for a peek at X-MEN to come.

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Things I learned from the UPS employee while waiting for her to just get me my damn package:

• She has three grandkids.
• One is 3 years old.
• One is almost 1.
• Their daddy is a police officer.
• She has three kids.
• The youngest is 28.
• He’s the one with the grandkids.
• She pulled her back at work.
• She’s on medication so she can’t drive.
• The medication is “the good stuff.”
• Her daughter-in-law drives her to work.
• The one with the babies, you see.
• They stopped and got her a salad on the way in today.

One of the biggest bombs of 2006 thus far has been GRANDMA’S BOY, which Fox quietly released into theaters early this year, hoping no one would notice, and so few people did that it failed to crack the top 10 its opening weekend. What do you expect from a raunchy comedy whose biggest name among the leads is, um … well, nobody? The only reason it got made is because Adam Sandler was nice enough to his loyal pals to produce it, but he doesn’t show up onscreen.

Still, something like this has to hold direct appeal with his fanbase. Sandler collaborator Allen Covert (who looks like Mel Gibson’s slobby little brother) stars as a 30-year-old Xbox video game tester on a tight deadline who gets kicked out of his house because his roomie spent six months’ worth of rent on Filipino whores. Thus, following a humiliating masturbation session during which he orgasms all over his friend’s mother when she walks on him, he’s forced to shack up with his grandmother (Doris Roberts) and her two friends (Shirley Jones and Shirley Knight). And he and his friends smoke a lot of pot. End of plot. Then there’s a lot more pot-smoking, some breast-suckling (and least in the unrated version I saw) and a monkey that knows kung-fu.

I wouldn’t say it’s intelligence-insulting as much as it is intelligence-free. However, that’s not necessarily to be taken as a negative. Covert is an affable enough presence, and there are some good bits, mostly from co-star/co-writer Nick Swardson. I laughed out loud three times – once at a very profane reference to Jones’ vagina – which automatically makes it funnier than any of Sandler’s films (not directed by Paul Thomas Anderson) in the last 10 years. Not exactly high praise, and by no means meant to be. –Rod Lott

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In the Korean film SYMPATHY FOR LADY VENGEANCE, Geum-ja is released from prison after serving 13 years for kidnapping and murdering a young boy. The kind-hearted Geum-ja executes her long-planned vengeance on the man actually responsible for the child’s death and her own conviction for the crime with the help of her inmates.

I won’t get too much into the story because I believe it is better for viewers if you don’t sponge much information before viewing the film. I will say this is the gentlest vengeance of Park Chan-wook’s VENGEANCE trilogy. Unlike the other two (SYMPATHY FOR MR. VENGEANCE and OLDBOY), the main character’s revenge is not from passionate hatred but from a calm storm. Geum-ja is focused and her dedicated revenge is carefully conducted. This is no mad rampage of pure vengeance. It wouldn’t guide her to analyze what is important and what is insignificant, because she has done it already in prison. It isn’t her physicality that gets the job done. She is known as “kind-hearted Geum-ja,” but she is cold-hearted. She doesn’t rationalize her action or have any sympathy for those who mess with her. She conducts her revenge simply for her longing for redemption. And that gets the job done.

Once again, Park Chan-wook created a new visual style to tell this story of revenge. Every detail and every special effect is carefully planned to organize the timeline of the story. And the color scheme is very monochromatic. Every little color that associates with Geum-ja becomes such a symbolic that is ideally for her inner darkness. And it is nice to see major players from MR. VENGEANCE and OLDBOY appear in the film.

That said, LADY VENGEANCE is much more heartfelt than the first two. Perhaps it has much more malice, too, but it leaves you with a sense of sentimentality. The film focuses on the effect of long-anticipated payback and it is a pleasure to go through it with Geum-ja. –Shogo

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As regular visitors to this page know, I’ll try any new soft drink that comes out. But I was not eager to try new Coke Blak, the “coffee-infused” cola beverage from Coca-Cola, for one simple reason: Unlike the rest of the world, I. Hate. Coffee.

But my wife loves the java and she wanted to try it, so I bought her one. She took one sip and said, “It tastes like black licorice.” That made my ears perk up, because I – unlike the rest of the world – love black licorice. So stupid me said, “Really? Let me try!” And the instant Coke Blak hit my lips, I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I doesn’t taste anything like black licorice; it tastes like liquified Coffee Nips, which are those hard candies only grandparents buy. I had to spit it out.

Apparently, Pepsico is following suit with Pepsi Cappucino. May it rot in hell. In other “beverages that are not good for your body” news, I picked up two new flavors of Rip It energy drinks at the grocery store today. Reviews coming soon if the expected caffeine kick doesn’t screw with the nerve endings needed to formulate thoughts and type.

The Maybellines’ A LA CARTE is soft, sweet indie sugarpop from the Denver area. You’ve heard them on your favorite indie station, but they don’t have a lot of recorded material. This is a six-song EP that follows the release of their full-length CHATFIELD HOLIDAY from four full years ago. They’re still together, still pretty solid and sing their charming little ditties well. But there’s nothing that really pops out here and makes you listen to them, unfortunately. –Mark Rose

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The forums are open! The forums are open! And in case you weren’t paying attention, the forums are open!

As of today, the Hitch discussion forums/message boards/whateveryouwannacallthem are up, operational and waiting for you at eyeballforums.com. Use them to discuss movies, TV, music and current events, whether covered here or not; to post strange and interesting images; to gossip; to bitch; to rant; to rave. Before you ask “What’s the ‘eyeball’ all about?,” Hitch is part of the Eyeball Media Group of cool websites, which also includes Bookgasm, Daily Starlet, Joe Bartender, All Things Damaged and the new Guerilla Cinema.

For now, the comments on that site will remain open, but I’ll likely close them down in the near future and just have all discussion take place in the forums. Besides, today’s spam comments alone – about penis enlargement, online casinos, prescription drugs and porn cartoons – totals 993!

Another entry in a long line of unnecessary but not entirely terrible horror remakes is the teen-centric WHEN A STRANGER CALLS. You know it’s aimed at the youth market because our high school protagonist Jill (an appealing Camilla Belle) is grounded by her parents for going 800 minutes over on her cell phone plan. “Do you know how much that cost us?” her dad asks. (”Do you know how funny that is?” I thought.)

So instead of going to the big school bonfire (on the windiest night in cinema, this side of TWISTER), she has to babysit for two kids in one huge, decked-out, expensive, mammoth, awesome, bucks-a-plenty, gargantuan, sweet, had-to-cost-a-fortune, state-of-the-art, fucking cool house that sits alongside a lake in the middle of nowhere, making her a prime target for a serial killer, don’t you think? He taunts her with mysterious phone calls (voiced, but not played, by Lance Henriksen).

Most of its 86 minutes is devoted to Jill creeping around the house verrrry slooowly, jumping at the occasional burst of water or the cat (the cat!), and answering the phone, which rings more times in this movie than mine does in six months. Luckily, Belle is a good enough actress to carry an entire film on her shoulders, even if the suspense is minimal (especially for those who have seen Fred Walton’s 1979 original, known more for its “Have you checked the children?” line than it is for being good).

Points for director Simon West for not showing the killer until the very end. Points taken away for making me hate today’s teenagers even more than I already did. –Rod Lott

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Keith John Adams is a pleasant enough British lad who used to be in the fairly obscure Zuno Men and has gone off on his own, now with his second full-length release, PIP. Here, we have 14 brief tracks with pared down guitar and drums, and the occasional super-annoying toy piano and perhaps even an accordion (on the title track). The music is competent if unambitious, but the vocals are even better. Adams has a lovely clear voice that reminds me of a British Billy Joel or the lead singer from Madness (without the goofy fun). The lyrics are spotty, ranging from sheer pretentious incomprehensibility (“Never Look Down”) to a sweetly charming explanation of a father-son relationship (“Dad,” one of the best songs on the disc). There are just enough hooks in here and enough interesting concepts to make this worth your while to give it at least a try. Happy Happy Birthday to Me Records has been one of the most consistently strong labels in the past few years, so it’s hard to go really wrong with anything from their stable.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES actress star Eva Longoria (or Longwhoria, as I like to call her) has topped Maxim magazine’s hottest 100 women list for the second year in a row. (Or maybe it was some other guy mag – I’m too lazy to look it up.)

I know I’ve said this before, but I just don’t see it. Give me a woman whose bones won’t snap when you grab her arm, whose face doesn’t look molded by Mattel, who doesn’t going around blabbing to the press about your sexual inexperience until she met you.

One of the better cult films of the ’90s is finally hitting DVD when Anchor Bay releases CEMETERY MAN (aka DELLAMORTE DELLAMORE) on June 13. This funny, fierce fright film from 1994 stars a pre-MY BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING Rupert Everett as a cemetery caretaker whose job becomes significantly harder when the dead back to life. Lucky for him (and us), a distraction pops up in the form of a curvy widow (the oft-naked Anna Falchi).

As befitting a movie with a solid cult reputation, Anchor Bay is releasing it with some nice extras, including a making-of documentary with all-new interviews with the fetching Falchi and director Michele Soavi, trailers and more. With zombie movies making a huge resurgence now, this should do well. I first saw it on Cinemax years ago and thought it was pretty crazy. I can’t wait to check it out again since my VHS from that broadcast is long worn out (not to mention in the trash). If you haven’t seen it, be sure to look for it.

Send me an e-mail like the one I received below that:
1. Isn’t proofread in the slightest.
2. Gives me no information as to even the type of music in question.
3. Leaves it in my hands.

“Hello my name is XXXX XXXXXXX andi am CEO of 3way Productions. I am very interested in having you guys reviewing one of my artists cd’s. Please contact me ASAP on this matter.”

“Bear Eats Monkey in Front of Zoo Visitors”

THREE: EXTREMES is a compilation of three short stories by three prominent directors from three Asian countries: Takashi Miike, Park Chan Wook and Fruit Chan. Instead of focusing on ghost stories, this time the theme of the projects revolve around our deadly sins of revenge, lust, envy, greed, etc.

In the first story, Miike’s “Box,” a writer who has a memory of starring with her twin sister in a circus act has recurring dreams of being buried alive in the snow. “Box” does not seem like typical Miike fare, as it is a very quiet and gentle film. No crazy action sequences, no crazy body parts blown up. While there are a few good moments, the film moves at a slow pace and offers us little clues as to what is going on until the big blowout at the end. And yes, it contains a very interesting surprise which most viewers won’t expect. It doesn’t have much of a story, but the mood is subtle and very beautiful to look at, but it feels like the script was
written just in time so he can be the part of the anthology.

In “Dumplings,” a fading star Ching (Miriam Yeung) is willing to do anything to stay young turns to unconventional methods of preserving her beauty. She meets Mei (Bai Ling), who offers her dumplings made from chopped-up aborted babies. This is Chan’s portion of the anthology, and supposedly this tale is based on a true incident in Hong Kong. Bai Ling does a phenomenal job as the chef (not as phenomenal as when she posed for Playboy), and Christopher Doyle again gives us cinematography that is truly moody and vibrant.

Chan made sure that “Dumplings” doesn’t go overboard in just shocking the audience. But that is the problem. All along, you expect for something to happen, but nothing really does. Maybe it has more impact and excitement in the longer, full-length feature from which this was cut.

Finally, “Cut” has a failed actor credited only as a terrorist (Yim Won-hee) hold a director (Lee Byung-hun) hostage on a film set. There, the terrorist has elaborately tied up the director’s wife (Kang Hye-jeong) in front of a piano, and a random child on a sofa. He then gives the director a choice: either to strangle the innocent child or to watch as he chops off one of his wife’s fingers every five minutes.

By far, Wook’s “Cut” is the most exciting piece in THREE: EXTREMES. If you thought OLDBOY was too much to watch, you haven’t seen anything yet. Strangulation, child murder, finger chopping and blended body parts are just a few of the items on Park’s dish for this tale of revenge (he loves that theme!). You will experience the almost same trippy ride as you did with OLDBOY or LADY VENGENANCE. It is very humorous at the same time, while terrifying and absolutely uncomfortable.

Overall, this was a bit of a disappointing film despite all the great talents involved. Each segment has its moments that surely grips your attention and gives you the shivers, but it really doesn’t go that extreme. –Shogo

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