Not because it’s good (because it’s not), but because the Family Media Guide doesn’t want you to. It tops their list of the 100 most violent/sexual/profane horror movies for “167 instances, including 86 impalements, 20 severed limbs, and 14 electrocutions.”

When Bill Castle’s completely inoffensive 1960 fright flick 13 GHOSTS is marked as having “graphic” sex and violence, you know something’s off. I take “warnings” like this list as a to-do. See ‘em all! Well, except for CURSED and MAN-THING. Life’s too short.

Rejected at your AMERICAN IDOL audition? Become famous vicariously through the animated magic that is Cheerioke.com. You build a singer, record your voice for any of three songs that suck and – voila! – baby, you’re a star!

What this has to do with Yogurt Burst Cheerios is beyond me. Thanks to Malena for the link (and for her wavering on- and off-key rendition of “I Think We’re Alone Now”).

UPDATE: I had to try this out, all evil-like.

This photo of everyone’s favorite hamburger-shilling clown as a zombie not only haunts my Halloween, but my dreams. And not only my dreams, but my every waking moment.

It’s from a LiveJournal of a Filipino girl who takes photos of herself dressed as Ronald McDonald in a variety of situations. Our thanks (I guess) go to Joel for sharing this horrible image, which immediately burned itself into the deep, dark recesses of our brain.

THE EXORCIST: THE VERSION YOU’VE NEVER SEEN – In either of its forms, THE EXORCIST is one of the best movies ever made, horror or otherwise. But only the re-release version from a few years back has the infamous “spider-walk” scene, in which the possessed Regan runs down the stairs like an arachnid, albeit one that spurts blood. Even though I know it’s coming, it still freaks me out big-time.

JAWS – Just pick any scene in the water involving that shark, from the opening kill to that damn head that pops out at Richard Dreyfuss in the boat. I remember watching this as a kid at home on pay TV and my dad coming up behind me and scaring me at a particularly tense moment. He made me cry. Even separated from that, I still consider this the scariest movie ever made.

POLTERGEIST – Two words: the clown.

THE EXORCIST III – I don’t care what anyone says; this is a great movie. And the middle of it has an excellent crap-your-pants scene when the camera slowly pans down a long hallway of a hospital at night for what seems like five long minutes, when suddenly, a nurse is attacked by someone with hedge clippers. Okay, it doesn’t sound scary, but trust me, it is.

HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL – This is the list’s most unexpected scare. I never would’ve thought an old William Castle/Vincent Price movie in freaking black and white would contain anything remotely scary, but the shock of seeing the old hag in the basement with milky eyes was just that. As effective as anything else on this list.

DEEP RED – In a masterstroke of misdirection, a quiet scene of ratcheted tension and suspense comes to a head when a ventriloquist’s dummy bursts out of a closet. Not from the middle of the frame, where the camera is focused on, but from the side. What makes it even worse is that the fucker is laughing. Bravo, Dario Argento!

PSYCHO – Nope, not the shower scene, but the one at the end when Norman Bates emerges through the door in drag, holding a butcher knife. What does it for me is the disturbing look on his face. I’d find a photo of it online to show you, but part of me doesn’t want to find it.

THE OTHERS – The best movie Nicole Kidman has made and likely ever will, this old-fashioned haunted house thriller manages to be creepy throughout through little more than sounds. But it’s when her kid shows her the crayon drawing she’s made of “the others” that she’s seen that I get the goosebumps, mostly because of how much the old woman looks like the one from HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL.

THE FLY – As quaint as it may seem compared to the remake, the original FLY is actually a pretty sick-minded movie, what with the industrial press and all. Its iconic image is the final scene of the fly with the human head about to be eaten by a huge spider. To me, it’s absolutely horrifying, made all the more so because the spider looks so lifelike. I still don’t know how they did it.

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT – All the backlash has really diminished the power of this movie. It’s not a great one, but it’s good. People claim it’s boring, but I’d like to think it’s all part of the plan so it smack you over the head with the final image in the basement of that damn old house in the middle of the forest. Never has standing in the corner been so terrifying.

There are two extremes in music: pitiful angst and over-the-top perkiness. Right in the middle is Daphne Loves Derby and their album, ON THE STRENGTH OF ALL CONVINCED. A refreshingly neutral smooth-rock band, DLD has the trendy “beach” sound that fits into the sunny teen craze. From upbeat songs to piano ballads, the boys have figured out how to make an album that can be listened to all the way through, and they’re not even 20. Their lyrical inspiration lies solely in their belief in themselves and their talent and confidence is paving their way to success in the adolescent Cali genre. –Andrea Aycock

ON VACATION is pastiches of old-time chamber and British music hall sounds, complete with intentional record scratches. While The Kinks in “Arthur” and the Bonzo Dog Band did this better, Ryland Bouchard’s bitter anguish does provide an additional element: the total lack of joy. Grim lyrics of hopelessness, a shaky voice, and doleful music may speak to those who seek solace in death. Sample wisdom: “Why did they make us alive in a world where all we can do is say ‘It’s fucked up’?” –Mark Rose

Kid Cuisine, purveyor of sickening kiddie-friendly frozen TV dinners, is offering a tater-tot-load of Halloween sound effect and soundscape MP3s for those who enter codes from their packaging.

Or you can just enter these codes and/or copy these links:
M9u88mmy - Gh07s34t - Sc3a7r8e - W8i6tc5h

http://www.kidcuisine.com/pages/halloween/index_flash.jsp
http://www.kidcuisine.com/pages/halloween/promo_flash/my7ummy.jsp
http://www.kidcuisine.com/pages/halloween/promo_flash/9Ho4t.jsp
http://www.kidcuisine.com/pages/halloween/promo_flash/4ar2y.jsp
http://www.kidcuisine.com/pages/halloween/promo_flash/weyet3h.jsp
http://www.kidcuisine.com/pages/halloween/promo/8ila4sw7rds.jsp

Thanks for the links go to Joel, who told us, “And no, I didn’t buy them for my kids. They’re overpriced crap. I just copied them down in the store!” Pretty sneaky, Sis!

Here’s a Halloween mix CD from KRFC DJ Louis Fowler, containing tracks from Dr. Re-Animator, Claudio Simonetti, John Carpenter, Goblin, Crispin Glover, The Monster Squad, the North American Hallowe’en Prevention Initiative and more, 23 songs in all.

You can download it for a limited time right here.

“While Britney was busy changing their infant son’s diapers, Federline reportedly spent two hours getting his hair braided.”
–an MSNBC report

“To borrow the late Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s celebrated definition of pornography, I know it when I see it, and I think I’ve just seen it.”
–Newsday’s John Anderson on SAW II

“Where were all the obituaries for Nipsey Russell? Now there was a great black American. Was Rosa Parks ever on MATCH GAME?”
–Hitch writer Louis Fowler

Put down the candy corn long enough to set your TiVos (or VCRs, for you old people) to the following horrorific documentaries airing this Halloween weekend:

FRIDAY
• BOOGEYMEN II: MASTER OF HORROR on Sci-Fi Channel
• MOVIES THAT SHOOK THE WORLD: THE EXORCIST on AMC

SATURDAY
• CITY CONFIDENTIAL: HORROR IN AMITYVILLE on A&E

MONDAY
• HISTORY’S MYSTERIES: AMITYVILLE: HORROR OR HOAX? on History Channel – As seen on the AMITYVILLE HORROR box set bonus disc.
• E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY: SCREAM QUEENS on E!

and FRIDAY through MONDAY
• THE 100 SCARIEST MOVIE MOMENTS on Bravo – Even though it’s stretched across five hour-long episodes, we highly recommend this one and wish it were on DVD.

Some movies are designed to titillate, yet none set out to alter the very fabric of our nation, much less the world. However, every now and then, some do – whether legally, culturally or otherwise – and America’s foremost drive-in movie critic Joe Bob Briggs examines 10 such instances in PROFOUNDLY EROTIC: SEXY MOVIES THAT CHANGED HISTORY.

A sequel to 2003’s PROFOUNDLY DISTURBING: SHOCKING MOVIES THAT CHANGED HISTORY, this all-EROTIC volume has nothing but sex on the brain, mining hormonally charged gems (and turds) from the silent era to the VHS revolution. Arranged chronologically, each chapter focuses on one landmark film, detailing its ever-torrid history from conception to afterlife. Even the movies that hold no interest for you – say, the Rudolph Valentino vehicle THE SHIEK – make for completely fascinating stories under Joe Bob’s tutleage, what with such irresistible leads as “In 1921, the entire civilized world became entranced by a rape fantasy.”

Without question, the stories behind the movies are more interesting than the movies themselves. You learn about Valentino’s pre-fame gig as a gigolo; Ann-Margret’s utterly bizarre rollercoaster of a career, reaching its nadir with KITTEN WITH A WHIP (though Joe Bob convincingly argues for the film’s unappreciated merits); Kim Basinger’s fragile emotional state during the making of 9 1/2 WEEKS, thanks to the manipulation of her director and co-star; and the racuous behavior of the lead of Russ Meyer’s THE IMMORAL MR. TEAS, drunkenly demanding one of his comely co-stars to bed him. Best of all is the chapter on I AM CURIOUS (YELLOW), the Swedish political porno that became embroiled in a fierce legal battle when its U.S. distributor first tried to release it in the late ’60s. I’ve never seen the film, nor do I want to; it would pale in comparison to the rich events told here.

As with DISTURBING, absent are Joe Bob’s patented “drive-in totals,” which rate flicks on a basis of bosoms bared and bombs blown up. But EROTIC doesn’t need it. This is a more serious – but highly entertaining – tour of cinematic history, yet told as only Joe Bob could tell it: funny, well-researched and compelling. It’s also a reminder of how good a writer Briggs (aka John Bloom) really is; behind that goofy, redneck TV-host persona lies one intelligent, talented guy. If you want a crash course on the salicious history of sex epics, this is your luridly illustrated textbook.

Joe Bob notes in his introduction that “chances are the film you found to be the sexiest ever made is nowhere mentioned. That’s because eroticism involves the most personal of judgments.” But if you’re wondering where films like IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT, LOLITA, BELLE DE JOUR, THE OUTLAW, EMMANUELLE and SEX, LIES, AND VIDEOTAPE are, join the club. These titles were all cited in pre-release press materials for the book, so one can only hope Joe Bob has another EROTIC volume waiting under his 10-gallon hat.

I don’t drink coffee. Never have liked it. Never will.

But as I get older and my kids grow more high-maintenance, I get less sleep. Which means in the mornings, I’m more tired than I used to be. It’s gotten so bad recently that I’ve resorted to trying energy drinks. Having successfully resisted this eXtReMe! craze until now, I’ve tried a lot of different ones to find one I liked. Here are my unscientific findings:

NOS
Tastes like: Grapefruit juice plus
Buzz delivered: Decent
Drawbacks: Expensive, not easy to find, lotsa calories, don’t know how to pronounce it

Red Bull
Tastes like: Crap
Buzz delivered: None I could detect
Drawbacks: Expensive, poor taste, ominprescence, lotsa calories, associated with white trash

Amp
Tastes like: Mountain Dew with orange juice
Buzz delivered: Good balance between “alert” and “jittery”
Drawbacks: Expensive for such a small dose, lotsa calories

Full Throttle
Tastes like: Motor oil
Buzz delivered: Counteracted by the awful taste
Drawbacks: Expensive, does serious damage to the good Coca-Cola name, lotsa calories

Monster
Tastes like: Citrusy medicine
Buzz delivered: Fairly twitchy
Drawbacks: Expensive, lotsa calories

Moto
Tastes like: Soda, pretty much
Buzz delivered: Off the charts
Drawbacks: Expensive, not easy to find, lotsa calories, buzz so strong that the crash later on is hard

WELCOME TO IGNORE US is thick, chewy, sexy rock and roll so down and dirty you’ll have to take a shower afterwards. It’s not just their paeans to sexual deviation (“Genghis Khan”), insurance fraud (“Chez Paree”) or visiting Loser Street (“Graciana Ole”) that make this grittily compelling. It’s the mildly psychotic lyrics, the ZZ Top guitars, the heel-tapping hooks, the actual songcraft itself that makes you want to hear it again and again. Sleazy, blowzy, but still hot. They say it best themselves: “Downtown Seattle in a dress.” Best thing I’ve heard in months. –Mark Rose

A lot of guys are getting out their guitars and writing sweet love songs that have a tendency to be emotionally pathetic. Far from that is LE FUN, an emotionally vacant, upbeat and poppy album that leaves no room for depth. What a relief. I don’t think I could handle hearing another sappy boy sing. The Tah Dahs have created a lighthearted and perky album that gives the image of scrawny bow-tie-wearing boys playing guitars. –Andrea Aycock

Because on this week’s episode…

1. They blew up a fat guy.
2. They offed two recurring characters.
3. They killed a cat.
4. And the ultra-creepy T-Bag character got a new bitch who looks exactly like Clay Aiken.

You may have recalled us alerting you last year to a free online compilation called MONSTER MASH-UP. If you didn’t get it then, too bad, because it’s not there anymore.

But you can get SON OF MONSTER MASH-UP: TRICKS, TREATS AND DEAD BEATS, featuring 19 tracks of sample-heavy musical/horror weirdness. It’s not for everyone’s tastes, but hey, it fits mine, it’s free and sure beats the hell out of that Boris Pickett nonsense. Grab it while you can! I’m partial to the “Halloween with Morrissey” track, myself.

My vote for one of the year’s worst films is cast for BEWITCHED, Nora Ephron’s big-screen update of the classic (especially compared to this) TV series, which starred Elizabeth Montgomery as a suburban witch.

Here, a washed-up movie star (Will Ferrell, who needs to be more choosy) signs on to do a new BEWITCHED show, yet does not wish to be overshadowed by his leading lady. So he casts an unknown (Nicole Kidman) who turns out to be … wait for it … a real witch! No hilarity ensues. Kidman plays her character as borderline retarded. Ephron gets bonus points for at least trying something different rather than a straight remake, but then all those points are docked for not trying anything else but my patience. Whoever thought Ferrell’s brand of comedy meshed well with Ephron’s brand of alleged comedy was flat-out wrong.

The only bright point for me was seeing 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN Steve Carell showing up toward the end to channel a mean Paul Lynde. Too little, too late. I started to check out the special features until my wife said, “What, you can’t get enough of that?” and so I hit eject. I should thank her.

If you absolutely must, at least buy it here.

Elmer “Len” Dresslar Jr., the voice of the Jolly Green Giant, has died at the age of 80. No no no, Green Gi-ant!

Somewhere, Niblet weeps.

Take your pick from the liner notes of Dirty Projectors’ THE GETTY ADDRESS: “The Getty Address is a sprawling, layered glitch opera about Don Henley, leader of the country/soft-rock group The Eagles,” and/or “The Getty Address is about the conflict of Hernan Cortes and the Azetcs in 1519-21, the virtualization of wilderness on a completely circumscribed globe, dirty projection, and love cerebral and spiritual.” Or maybe it’s just all tosh. This is art-rock at its most pretentious and free-form jazziest, but that’s not to say it’s terrible. Surprisingly good bits appear throughout and if you have a taste for adventurous music (not merely noise), this may please. –Mark Rose

At first listen of Mercurine’s WAITING FOR ANOTHER FALL, I hated this band. On second listen, I couldn’t believe I was hearing the same band. Now I wish I could remember why I thought they were so awful. There are two great words to describe this album: trippy and relaxing. The songs are all very slow and there’s a lot of whispering going on in the background of most tracks. The album is one that is great to chill or zone out to, but if you’re not in that mood then it’s a good idea to give it another shot when you’re feeling a little more relaxed. There are a lot of different voices going on behind the music, but even while really focusing, it’s hard to make out the whispering. Waiting has some techno qualities, but not the annoying repetitive techno that plays the same beats for 20 minutes. It’s difficult to tell if the lead singer is male or female, and sometimes difficult to make out what he or she is singing, but here, that doesn’t really matter, the tunes speak for themselves. –Andrea Aycock